Photo: Instagram / FBI Tampa
"I ended her life."
By Alice Kelly — Written on Jun 24, 2022
A portion of Brian Laundrie’s notebook has been released after a meeting between FBI Tampa and attorneys for both Gabby Petito’s family and Laundrie’s family.
Laundrie’s notebook has been a central mystery in Petito’s murder after it was found alongside his remains last October.
"I ended her life," reads the note, which was recovered from the Myakkahatchee Creek Environmental Park on Oct. 20, 2021 after a weeks-long search for Laundrie.
"I thought it was merciful, that it is what she wanted, but I see now all the mistakes I made. I panicked. I was in shock."
The excerpt from the notebook takes responsibility for Petito’s murder and makes claims about what led to Laundrie killing her in Grand Teton National Park sometime around August 27.
An FBI search discovered her remains on Sept. 19 days after Laundrie went missing from his Florida home having failed to speak to police investigating Petito’s disappearance.
A Wyoming coroner ruled her death a homicide by strangulation.
Here is the full text of Brian Laundrie’s notebook confession about Gabby Petito’s murder:
“Gabby,
I wish I was right at your side, I wish I could be talking to you right now. I’d be going through every memory we’ve made, getting even more excited for the future. I can’t live without you. I’ve lost every day we could’ve spent together.
Every holiday. I’ll never get to play with [unintelligible] again. Never go hiking with TJ. I Loved you more than anything. I can’t bear to look at our photos, to recall great times because it is why I cannot go on. When I close my eyes I will think of laying on the roof of the van, falling asleep to the sight of a meteor shower at the crystal geyser. I will always love you.
If you were reading Gabs journal, looking at the photos from our life together, fliping (sic) through old cards you wouldn’t want to live a day without her. Knowing that everyday you’ll wake up without her,you wouldn’t want to wake up. I’m sorry to everyone this will affect, Gabby was the love of my life, but I know adored by many.
I’m so very sorry to her family, because I love them. I’d consider her younger siblings, my best of friends … I am sorry to my family. This is a shock to them as well as a terrible greif (sic).
They loved as much, if not more than me. A new daughter to my mother, an aunt to my nei[hews (sic). Please do not make this harder for them. this occurred as an unexpected tragedy. Rushing back to our car trying to cross the streams of spread creek before it got too dark to see, to cold. I hear a splash and a scream.
I could barely see, I couldn’t find her for a moment, shouted her name. I found her breathing heavily gasping my name, she was freezing cold. We had just came from the blazing hot National Parks in Utah. The temperature had dropped to freezing and she was soaking wet. I carried her as far as I could down the stream towards the car, stumbling exhausted in shock, when my knees buckled and knew I couldn’t safely carry her.
I started a fire and spooned her as close to the heat, she was so thin, had already been freezing too long. I couldn’t at the time realize that I should’ve started a fire first but I wanted her out of the cold back to the car. From where I started the fire I had no idea how far the car might be. Only knew it was across the creek. When I pulled Gabby out of the water she couldn’t tell me what hurt.
She had a small bump on her forehead that eventually got larger. Her feet hurt, her wrist hurt but she was freezing, shaking violently, while carrying her she continually made sounds of pain, laying next to her she said little lapsing between violent shakes, gasping in pain, begging for an end to her pain. She would fall asleep and I would shake her awake fearing she shouldn’t close her eyes if she had a concussion.
She would wake in pain start the whole painful cycle again while furious that I was the one waking her. She wouldn’t let me try to cross the creek, thought like me that this fire would go out in her sleep and she’d freeze. I don’t know the extent of Gabby’s injurys (sic). Only that she was in extreme pain. I ended her life, I thought it was merciful, that it is what she wanted, but I see now all the mistakes I made. I panicked, I was in shock. But from the moment I decided, took away her pain, I knew I couldn’t go on without her.
I rushed home to spend any time I had left with my family. I wanted to drive north and let James or TJ kill me but I wouldn’t want them to spend time in jail over my mistake, even though I’m sure they would have liked to.
I am ending my life not because of a fear of punishment but rather because I cant stand to live another day without her. I’ve lost out whole future together, every moment we could have cherished. I'm sorry for everyones loss. Please do not make life harder for my family, they lost a son and a daughter.
The most wonderful girl in the world. Gabby I'm sorry.
I have killed myself by this creek in the hopes that animals may tear me apart. That it may make some of her family happy.
Please pick up all of my things. Gabby hated people who litter.”
Brian Laundrie’s handwriting appears to match an alleged suicide note.
The note circulated on social media after Laundrie’s remains were discovered. Though unverified, it has been rumored that the note was found with Laundrie’s other belongings.
The note reads:
“Mom & Dad
I just want to say that I am sorry for everything that has happened. I never intended for any of this. Gabby and I were truly in love and I would give anything for her to still be here.
I know that no one will understand that things simply got out of control.
The strain of our relationship was more than I could bear.
I should have known to stay home after what happened in Moab. Everything was already a disaster at that point but something made me return.
Once Gabby was gone forever I realized I was too.
When we went camping at Fort DeSoto I wanted to tell you what really happened but I couldn’t bring myself to.
Please forgive me for all that has happened and all that I put everyone through. I was too ashamed to tell Gabbys family what happened to her.
I was too ashamed to tell anyone. I hope someday people can understand what really happened. Until we meet again someday I love you forever…”
Alice Kelly is YourTango’s Deputy News and Entertainment Editor. Based in Brooklyn, New York, her work covers all things social justice, pop culture, and human interest. Keep up with her Twitter for more.