Funny Marriage Advice To Get You Through The Worst Of Times

By Megan Hatch — Written on Sep 11, 2021

Photo: Nemanja Novakovic / Shutterstock

Humor can help make a marriage last, and knowing how to make your partner laugh can go a long way. That's why funny marriage advice always helps in the hard times.

Lots of people, including famous authors, actors, and celebrities know not to hold back when it comes to humor in a partnership.

Marriage life doesn't always need to be so serious. By finding the humor in everything, from funny marriage advice for newlyweds to sayings about marriage and relationship quotes, you can get through even the worst of times.

If you're in need of some funny marriage advice, read on for 75 hysterical quotes about marriage.

1. “If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” — Sigmund Freud

2. “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” — Socrates

3. “One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’” — Michelle Obama

4. "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." — Rita Rudner

5. "Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." — Stephanie Ortiz

6. "To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up." — Ogden Nash

7. “Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” — H. Jackson Brown, Jr

8. "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman

9. “The first draft of my vows, which I wrote the day after we got engaged, clocked in at around 70 pages.” — Leslie Knope ("Parks & Recreation")

10. "Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?" — Groucho Marx

11. “You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” — Bill Maher

12. "Marriage is not just spiritual communion. It is also remembering to take out the trash." — Dr. Joyce Brothers

13. "She's your lobster. Come on, you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, you know, holding claws." — Phoebe Buffay ("Friends")

14. "Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein

15. “I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too — for being married so many times.” — Elizabeth Taylor

16. "When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad." ― Helen Rowland

17. "Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you." — Chip Gaines

18. "Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery." — Erma Bombeck

19. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” — Prince Philip

20. "For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones

21. "Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are." — Will Ferrell

22. "It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield

23. “A man's main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month." — Dax Shepard

24. "Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need ten years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld

25. “Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you." — Megan Mullally

26. "Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up, she's there. You come back from work, she's there. You fall asleep, she's there. You eat dinner, she's there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing, but it's not." — Ray Barone

27. “People say, 'Jeez, it must be hard to stay married in show business.' I think it's hard to stay married anywhere, but if you marry the right person, it might work out.” — Tom Hanks

28. "My husband and I have never considered divorce ... murder sometimes, but never divorce." — Dr. Joyce Brothers

29. “Make sure you have date night even if it's once in a blue moon because most of the time you’re just too tired and you’d actually prefer to sleep." — Chris Hemsworth

30. "Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing." — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

31. "I married for love, but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored." — Cameron Esposito

32. "Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West

33. “I don't want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad, and if either watches it without the other, they're dead meat.” ― Mindy Kaling

34. "The definition of eternity is two people and a ham." — Dorothy Parker

35. “You go, ‘You make me laugh, you make me smile, you make me feel loved, you make me food.'" — Nikki Glaser recalling Amy Schumer’s wedding vows

36. "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then." — Katharine Hepburn

37. “I'm just a diaper-changing facility hooked up to a life-support system, but my wife, she's breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She's a human Denny's all day long ... and it never ends for her. She's the most beautiful Denny's you've ever seen though, I guarantee it.” — Ryan Reynolds

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38. "An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her." — Agatha Christie

39. "Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" — Michelle Obama

40. "Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit." — Billy Connolly

41. “We have a couple of rules in our relationship. The first rule is that I make her feel like she’s getting everything. The second rule is that I actually do let her have her way in everything. And, so far, it’s working.” — Justin Timberlake

42. "The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde

43. “I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…” — Kristen Bell

44. "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards." — Benjamin Franklin

45. “Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.” — George Bernard Shaw

46. "The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it." — Ann Bancroft

47. “Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.” — Mickey Rooney

48. "A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois

49. "After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." — Barack Obama

50. "Marriage: a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." — Ogden Nash

51. “Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three meals a day and remembering to carry the trash out.” — Dr. Joyce Brothers

52. "My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me." — Winston Churchill

53. “Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." — Chris Rock

54. "We're all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness and call it love — true love." — Robert Fulgham

55. “My wife and I have been married for 21 years, and without a doubt, the hardest times we've faced were those times when we hated each other.” — Andy Richter

56. "Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?" — Dennis Miller

57. “My wife didn't take my name, which isn't weird, but what's weird is when people think it's weird, like we're on a first-name basis anyway.” — Mark Agee