I Lost You And I Am Allowing Myself To Cry Over It

Photo: Marjan Apostolovic / shutterstock
sad woman looking forward hands over face

By Jane Tricia Cruz

And yes I lost you, ever since I decided to just let things go and get used to waking up without any good morning messages from you.

You were truly gone, from the night we fell asleep out of a tired day until the atmosphere was filled with quarrels and long hours of fighting.

I guess, not only souls had the capability to disappear, but our hearts learned how to break itself into pieces.

It hurts more than anything, and I didn’t think I could ever make it.

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I lost you when you walked away, and the empty walls of silence became just a plain sight to me. There were supposed to be laughter and cheers, but all I heard were cries of defeat and rejection.

I counted the days, and it lasted almost one hell of a week for me to know the answer: That I lost myself more than the thought of losing you.

I lost you when you followed the stars and chose to leave the moon behind. That was when you know your dreams and aspirations were more powerful than the desires of your heart.

The universe collapsed and you ignored and took me for granted, the way I never thought you would after making so many promises.

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I lost you in every space of my room and even in my dreams, in my future.

You were no longer the man I once knew and it is indeed painful to keep people after knowing that they really wanted to leave.

I lost you when you decided to take a step back and move on with your life, leaving me as your excess baggage. 

You began to forget the little memories; the times we have spent together talking about our dreams, the nights we have watched the fall of shooting stars and the smiles we have shared with each other.

The poems and stories we have written were marked as scars of the past and we cannot keep it anymore.

I forgot to stand up again, to build another shield of protection.

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I was tired of seeing my whole being, who knows how to conquer this tough battle of heartache, slowly giving up. I found myself locked up in my room but in a different time frame while begging you stay.

No more medications could let me be okay.

I gave the last piece of my heart to you and I did lose it. I couldn’t take back everything anymore just to transform things to its new form again.

Darling, this loss of us can be difficult but the love we have is beautiful. Indeed, some love may come but most of the feelings will surely go.

This kind of relationship is temporary and I have to accept that losing someone means gaining myself, too.

You are a part of a bigger world and staying with me will hinder you from discovering more of the life ahead of you.

So yes, I lost you.

I lost all that I have ever needed in this life. Nothing makes sense anymore, darling. 

This time, I am allowing myself to cry.

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Jane Tricia Cruz is a writer and frequent contributor to Thought Catalog, The Mighty and Unwritten. Her work focuses primarily on topics of self-esteem, family, and relationships. Visit her author profile on Unwritten for more.

This article was originally published at Unwritten. Reprinted with permission from the author.