31 Best Fran Lebowitz Quotes That Hilariously Tell It Exactly Like It Is

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Fran Lebowitz
Quotes

Fran Lebowitz, known by many as a renowned New York City author and speaker who released two popular books in the late 70s and 80s, where she wrote of her own observations and opinions on life.

Although now, Lebowitz has taken a step back from writing to focus on another career path: social commentary and public speaking. She's also the star of the hit show on Netflix called Pretend It’s A City, where Lebowitz is in conversation with director Martin Scorsese.

In the series, Lebowitz talks about her endeavors cleaning apartments in her 20s while her friends were working at restaurants; working as a New York City cab driver in the 70s; getting kicked out of high school in New Jersey; and her immense collection of books — among many other observations and gripes. Many of her stories center on her eccentric life in Manhattan as well — Fran's never owned a cell phone or a computer — and is notoriously anti-technology.

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Fran Lebowitz and her dry wit is beloved by many, and she's often credited with many rather snarky and funny quotes.

Here are some of the most best Fran Lebowitz quotes that hilariously tell it exactly like it is:

1. “If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.”

2. “Children are the most desirable opponents at Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.”

3. “The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.”

4. “The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive — you are leaking.”

5. “You're only as good as your last haircut.”

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6. “Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion-picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word ''collectible'' as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success.”

7. “Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.”

8. “When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.”

9. “Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back.”

10. “Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.”

11. “You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.”

12. “"Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching.”

13. “Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.”

14. “The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.”

15. “Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable."

16. “All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.”

17. “Polite conversation is rarely either.”

18. “The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.”

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19. “Spilling your guts is just exactly as charming as it sounds.”

20. “If you're going to America, bring your own food.”

21. “There's nothing better for a city than a dense population of angry homosexuals."

22. “The best fame is a writer's fame. It's enough to get a table at a good restaurant, but not enough to get you interrupted when you eat.”

23. “If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.”

24. “Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.”

25. “Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.”

26. “I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood?”

27. “Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.”

28. “Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.”

29. “Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.”

30. “Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.”

31. "Think before you speak. Read before you think."

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Nia Tipton is a writer living in Chicago. She covers pop culture, social justice issues, and trending topics. Follow her on Instagram.