Zoe Scholefield's Boyfriend Gave Her Rules For Going Out Without Him And Then He Cheated On Her
He told her to text photos of her outfit for his approval.
getty Everyone dreams of having an attentive and concerned romantic partner but sometimes that can go too far and turn into abuse. That appears to be what happened to Zoe Scholefield, who has gone viral after posting a list of rules her ex-boyfriend gave her about going out without him. Not only were the rules controlling and borderline abusive, but he couldn't even follow them himself: Zoe says he went on to cheat on her.
In a tweet that has over 35,000 likes, Zoe posted a screenshot of a list of rules her ex sent her on a day she was at a music festival with friends. He told her "Don’t dance like a slag" and "Always send me photos of front and back of what you are wearing so I can approve and say whether or not I think you should wear it." But Zoe noted that despite his demands on her, he couldn't keep his own behavior in check. He cheated and she apparently dumped him.
Who Is Zoe Scholefield? Keep reading for all the details.
1. A day at a music festival
Zoe was attending a music festival with friends and sent a text to her unnamed boyfriend to tell him about the lineup. She was generously offering to take a video of some of the acts for him to see later. But he didn't do what a normal person would do and thank her for her thoughtfulness. Instead, he sent her a list of twelve rules for her own behavior while she was out, says Unilad UK.
2. The list of rules
The rules the boyfriend passed along weren't reminders to drink plenty of water in the hot sun or to make sure using video recording equipment was allowed. Instead, he was exercising a jealous impulse to try to control Zoe's behavior. He told her to do things like "Don’t get too drunk," and "No boys and if anyone comes up to you and talks to you, you tell them you have a boyfriend." He gave her a list of people she was allowed to hang around with and who could come into her room after the concert. He even went to far as to request "If you can, [I] want a video of room before you sleep to prove no one else is there and you are off to sleep."
Zoe's now-ex is controlling and toxic.
3. Social media response
After Zoe posted the image, the response from other people on Twitter was swift and decisive. In the thousands of responses she got, people told her in no uncertain terms that she was better off without a guy who was trying to bully her into doing as he wished at all times. One Twitter user told her: "Wow your ex sounds like the most toxic, dangerous, sociopath alive." Another Twitter user said: "Don't know who needs to hear this, but if your partner lists even one of those things then you should show them the door. Control isn't affection or love."
4. Not healthy relationship behavior
Attempts to control a partner are not a good trait in a romantic prospect, say experts. "It's never acceptable for your partner to give you a list of rules and regulations to abide by," Adina Claire, acting co-chief executive of the British domestic abuse charity Women's Aid, told The Independent, "This is a clear example of controlling behavior, and it's great to see so many people recognizing this and supporting Zoe on social media."
Dr. Hannah Bows, of the Centre for Research into Violence and Abuse at Durham University, told The Independent, “This is one of the more overt examples of coercive and controlling behavior that men exert over women. The inherent 'message' is that this woman is accountable to her boyfriend, must obey his orders and must seek his permission to live her life." Dr Bows went on to say: "In this case, it has manifested in a set of rules, but often control is a pattern of subtle behaviors. Such controlling behaviors are normalized and legitimized in society which can make it difficult to recognize and challenge.
5. Abuse in the digital age
Dr. Bows went on to warn people that technology has made stalking and abuse easier than ever before. She says "Technology has made [controlling behavior] easier — from apps that track women's movements, to websites that encourage revenge on women who 'disobey' their partners, and text, calls and social media providing platforms to control women even when they are away from the abuser. Ultimately, many men still enjoy power and control over women who are disadvantaged by a patriarchal system which facilitates and excuses men’s violence.”
Suzanne Jacob, chief executive of domestic abuse charity SafeLives echos Dr. Bows' concerns saying "This kind of controlling behavior is extremely worrying and is not ‘normal’ in a relationship. A partner should make you feel loved and valued, not tell you what to wear, who to speak to or how to behave. If you recognize any of these behaviors in your own relationship, know that there is support out there. Everyone deserves the freedom to live the life they want, and no one should have to live in fear of a partner’s ‘rules’.”
Twitter users recognized the behavior as abuse right away.
6. Better off without him
In her tweet, Zoe referred to the controlling man as her ex and with a lot of good reason. Not only was his list of rules a set of red flags that he could turn into an abuser, but he was also unfaithful. She said "Funny how my ex sent me stuff like this then has the audacity to cheat on me."
Zoe hasn't tweeted any further developments and she hasn't granted any interviews at this time.
Rebekah Kuschmider has been writing about celebrities, pop culture, entertainment, and politics since 2010. Her work has been seen at Ravishly, Babble, Scary Mommy, The Mid, Redbook online, and The Broad Side. She is the creator of the blog Stay at Home Pundit and she is a cohost of the weekly podcast The More Perfect Union.