Photo: Josep Suria / Shutterstock
The signs may not be so obvious at first.
By Kate King
Last updated on Mar 11, 2024
Most wouldn't wish infidelity on their worst enemy. But many do wish for all women to feel empowered in their capacities to identify unfaithful partners, no matter the circumstances.
Every relationship is different, and infidelity emerges in all shades and sizes. The following warning signs may not indicate that he’s cheating, but, taken as a whole, wave some red flags.
Don’t just watch those flags wave in the wind. Acknowledge them and, if necessary, consider them a warning to run.
Here are 10 signs your boyfriend is cheating in your relationship
1. He's always on his phone
Affairs require communication. Otherwise, they suffocate. Even if that communication lies in a few texts, social media messages or phone calls, no affair can exist without words.
Cheating partners frequently hoard tools of communication to ensure they aren’t caught chatting with the wrong person. This may mean they don’t share their email or social media account passwords with you, or keep computer screens locked.
In many cases, cheaters will keep their phones on hand at all times.
Perhaps your boyfriend takes his phone with him every time he uses the bathroom (and is in there for quite some time). He may also keep his phone screen locked and won't share the passcode (or changes it frequently). Cheaters may text late at night or at odd hours, even when in close proximity to you.
If he hides his phone from you or refuses to admit who he’s texting or calling, it may indicate your boyfriend is cheating.
In healthy relationships, communication is transparent and shared. Faithful partners respect each other’s privacy but feel no qualms about discussing their outside communications with friends, family, and colleagues.
2. He's evasive
Evasion is the gleaming weapon of every cheater’s arsenal. If your partner side-steps any direct questions you ask about infidelity or other romantic relationships, be wary.
Evasion is also avoidance. An expert cheater knows that the easiest way to hide an affair is to simply not acknowledge it. Lying is tricky, as lies can quickly unravel. In fact, successful affairs flourish outside the standard arena of lies, instead feeding off of silence.
Your boyfriend may be evasive about where they were at a certain time, who they were talking with, and what they were doing earlier. Such evasion is hard to justify, particularly if communication is normally a gold standard in the relationship.
Be sure to pay attention if you notice that your boyfriend is suddenly eluding your questions about his whereabouts, or completely avoiding anything you have to say on the matter. At this point, it's a good idea to talk about your relationship openly, and whether or not his heart is in it.
3. He picks fights
If you have raised the notion of infidelity with your partner and found yourself caught in an argument a few moments later, this could be your evidence.
Cheating partners, suspecting they are about to be caught, fly on the defensive. Much like narcissists, they may try to distract you with an argument that often results in blame. They pick fights purposely in order to throw suspicion off of themselves.
Photo: Vitaly Gariev / Pexels
A cheater may say something like, "You think I’m cheating? There you go again. You don’t trust me. All you do is accuse me of stuff I don’t do." He accuses you of cheating, recasting the idea of infidelity to focus the issue on what you have done wrong, not on what he has done.
A truly responsible, faithful partner will hear out your suspicions, clarify what needs to be clarified, and take steps to build your trust. And he will be mindful and communicative throughout the entire process.
4. He becomes defensive or angry
Much like picking fights to distract from your real concerns, one of the most glaring signs your boyfriend is cheating occurs when you notice a change in his emotions, and how he reacts to certain situations.
If he's immediately defensive when you question his actions or note a slight change in his normal routine, it indicates that he may feel guilty about his infidelity. He's not only quick to anger, but could experience mood swings when you note actions related to an affair. He again refocuses the attention to your relationship and everything that's "wrong" with your actions.
A faithful partner, on the other hand, will be willing to discuss any issues you both have. He won't be defensive, angry, or accusatory of you; rather, he will work with you to resolve these problems.
5. Your friends have noticed his odd behavior
Even if you may not recognize the signs of cheating in your own relationship, your friends could be onto your boyfriend. It's hard to see things clearly from the inside, but your friends serve as a third party who can offer insight.
Your friends may have picked up on his unusual behavior or changes in his normal actions. Perhaps they've noticed that he's more distant from you in public settings, is spending more time with other people, or is treating your relationship differently. Maybe they've even seen him out with someone else, or have heard rumors of his infidelity.
Whatever input they have, it's a good idea to pay attention to what they have to say. Your friends only want what is best for you, after all.
6. He looks at other women
If you’ve noticed your partner’s eyes wandering when you're out and about, note where they land. If he sizes up women, lingers on summer dresses, or follows other gazes, be on the alert, as this could indicate that something is up.
Perhaps when you're out in public, your boyfriend eats up other women with his eyes, turning his head to follow them. If you approach him in public while he's talking to another woman, he pretends not to notice you.
Be wary of this behavior and trust your gut feeling. If your partner is demonstrating it, he may not have cheated on you yet, but infidelity may be lurking.
7. He's mysterious with his time
In healthy relationships, both partners feel free to pursue individual passions and interests. They balance independence with intimacy.
Unfaithful partners may have a similar respect for your personal time (and theirs), but they are far less likely to be communicative about how they spend their time outside of your home.
If your partner is being mysterious about what they are doing in the evenings, on the weekends, or even during the day — especially when asked — this could suggest infidelity. He may come home late after work or an appointment, and dismiss your questions when asked.
The point is that faithful partners explain and communicate. Unfaithful partners do not.
8. The romance ebbs and flows
Infidelity is often a cycle of guilt and pleasure. Cheaters will necessarily bring this cycle into their relationships. As a result, you may experience high romantic peaks, when your partner (compelled by guilt or a need to cover up) suddenly becomes an amazing lover and partner.
There may be roses on the table, plane tickets to Italy, or a love letter by your morning coffee. Similarly, these peaks may alternate with lows, when your partner feels absent, disinterested, and even nasty.
Photo: Ron Lach / Pexels
These ebbs and flows may not prove love affairs — they could merely be a symptom of an abusive or unhealthy relationship — but they often complement them.
9. He's become emotionally distant
Emotional intimacy is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship, but it's cause for concern if you notice a sudden emotional distance. Perhaps they have begun spending more time with their friends instead of being with you, or it's been a long time since you spent time one-on-one.
If he no longer seems emotionally fulfilled spending time with just you, this is a common sign that he's found companionship with someone else.
A healthy relationship thrives on good communication, so if you see that he's distant, detached or doesn't want to be around you in an intimate setting, take the time to talk directly about what you're experiencing and feeling.
10. You feel it in your gut
If you haven't been cheated on before and you suspect that your partner is, it may be time to have a serious conversation. Your gut knows, so trust your intuition.
Keep in mind that an affair may not mean the end of the relationship or even divorce (if you’re married). Some sociologists have argued that affairs can be essential to constructing a steel tower of love — for the right relationships.
What infidelity does mean, generally, is that one partner is seeking something. It may not have anything to do with you, or how you love, or your needs. Some seek out affairs when navigating loss, illness, or recovery from past trauma.
Whatever the case, when you notice any of the signs your boyfriend is cheating, breathe deep. It likely has nothing to do with you. If you know your partner is cheating, start with a conversation. Then talk to him if you wish. Be as present as you can manage. Then make the decision that puts you first.
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Kate King is a writer and reporter for the Wall Street Journal. Her bylines have appeared in numerous online and print publications, including MSN, Thought Catalog, MamaMia, Scary Mommy, Reuters, Wiley Online Library, and Entrepreneur, among many others.
This article was originally published at Thought Catalog. Reprinted with permission from the author.