3 Ways To Have Great Married Sex (Even When You're Struggling With Low Libido)

As any married person — or anyone in a long-term committed relationship can tell you — feelings of desire aren't always going to be there when you want them to be. Whether it’s because you’re busy, overwhelmed with other peoples’ needs, or even just exhausted from your day-to-day responsibilities, it's common for these types of things to cause low libido and get in the way of great married sex.

But when the sex drive and desire you once felt for your partner is waning, flagging, or otherwise gone entirely, it can be a terrifying experience, says sex therapist Dr. Stephen Snyder, author of Love Worth Making: How To Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship.

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First things first, however. Don’t stress yourself out or worry about your low sex drive. Desire fluctuates all the time! You’re never going to feel the same level of passion you felt when you were a young teenager or when you first got married and were at one hundred percent capacity all the time.

And while you might be tempted to try something crazy (like kinkier sex) to get your libido back to its normal level, pump the brakes. According to Dr. Snyder, there's simply no reason to fall for these tricks when you're worried about your sex drive and wanting a better married sex life. 

Here are 3 things you can do to make sure you have a great married sex life, even if you're suffering from low libido:

1. Don’t panic.

Your libido has its own rhythms. And, as Dr. Synder states in the video, “You can’t just expect it to show up to work every day.” There are a million reasons why you might not be feeling desire like you used to.

So first, it’s important for you to understand that what you’re experiencing is likely normal. If there are accompanying health issues that you believe could be underlying it, however, seek out medical help, and don’t be afraid to bring up the issue to your doctor.

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2. Don’t spend money, time, or effort to “bring it back.”

Often, when your desire is struggling, people look for ways to “reawaken” themselves, as though without concentrated effort, it will leave them forever. This can sometimes mean that people spend money on self-help, or lectures, or even try something new, whether it’s new sex positions, erotic techniques, or even sex toys.

But Dr. Snyder warns against “novelty and adventure,” which are consumer society’s answer to erotic boredom — because they simply don’t work. Going somewhere new or trying something new might be enjoyable, for a time. But everything will eventually return to the state it was in before, and it doesn’t solve your long-term issue or lead to consistently great married sex.

3. You cannot control desire, but

It’s important to remember that desire doesn’t have an on/off switch. You don’t get to choose what time it kicks in, or when it wears off. But what you do have control over is the environment that you’re in. So while you cannot control desire, you can still cultivate it, making the situation right for you to feel it again.

Everyone’s particular needs will be different, so it’s important to figure out what makes you feel comfortable, accepted, and loved by your partner.

Sex is an important part of your commitment to each other. And while desire might seem low once in a while, there are ways for you to get it back, without the need for any gimmicks. It doesn't matter if you've been married ten weeks or ten years.

Your sexual drive will recover, and by using these tips, you can guarantee that you'll have the best married sex of your life!

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Stephen Snyder, M.D. is a sex therapist, psychiatrist and author of the book, Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship, who helps committed, long-term couples regain passion, sexual intimacy and closeness in their relationships. Connect with Dr. Snyder at for more information and to get started on your journey of sexual fulfillment today.

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