The One-Minute Fix That Will Lead To Better Sex Instantly

When you’re with the same person for a long time, your sex life can feel like it’s gotten a little boring. It can feel like you’re in a “rut” — and you don’t know how to fix things and have a better sex life with your partner. It seems like the only time that you and your partner get aroused anymore is when things are definitively going to lead to great sex.

But according to sex therapist Dr. Stephen Snyder in the YourTango Expert video above, this is where married couples often make a huge mistake and ruin their chances of having a better sex life with their spouse.

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Arousal doesn’t have to begin and end with sex. In fact, he says that the happiest couples make it a point to get each other excited, even when there’s not going to be any sex involved — that's how they maintain a great sex life. 

Sex therapists call this method of enticement between spouses “simmering.” And it works in a strange way — by having the two of you become aroused. But only for a minute or two, and only if it doesn't  end in the bedroom.

This may seem like a strange way to approach the topic of potentially waning intimacy between two spouses, but Dr. Snyder stresses that it’s important to realize that arousal doesn’t have to always lead to sex — a common mistake that many married people and long-term couples make.

Think about your sex life. When you or your spouse feel aroused, either of you may initiate the first stages of sex. Kissing, touching, holding each other, or even using a little bit of dirty talk. But once you’ve finished with sex, oftentimes that’s the extent of your intimacy together. And then, it becomes a big cycle of repeating these same behaviors, where you're not enticing one another at all except when you hope that it leads to something more.

This hot and cold method of being intimate could actually be messing up your sex life, says Dr. Snyder, author of Love Worth Making: How To Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship. If you and your partner aren’t using “simmering,” then you could be missing out on something amazing, fulfilling and exciting between the two of you.

In the YourTango Expert video above, Dr. Snyder suggests that simmering isn’t just meant to make the two of you frustrated constantly and never get to feel any release. In fact, its purpose is just the opposite.

By exploring arousal with your partner but never reaching le petit mort, you’re building excitement between yourselves constantly, keeping the low-burning flame of your passion going so that you and your spouse can share that experience together without really diminishing your want for one another.

You’re just doing it because it feels good. Not because you’re obligated to reach climax every time you feel anything akin to arousal.

The example that Dr. Snyder gives is that of teenagers in high school. When a couple of teens are together, they’ll often go to meet with each other briefly in between classes, kissing, touching, holding each other; and even if they get excited, they have to separate and inevitably make their way back to their classes.

It’s the perfect example of what “simmering” really means. If you and your spouse are waiting to see each other all day, lingering in moments where you can really “simmer” together, then you’re going to slowly stoke a fire of passion that won’t easily dissipate, even once you’ve had sex.

This could be done before you go to bed, or perhaps before one or both of you leave for work in the morning. Maybe even when you're sitting on the couch watching a show, or maybe when you're making dinner. You could even find discreet ways to simmer together when you're out doing errands or grocery shopping, too.

It's all up to you on how, where, and how much time you want to devote to one other. It's all about being together and keeping the connective spark of sexual energy between you.

So why not give your relationship the deep spark that you feel like it’s been lacking and try to simmer with your partner tonight? It will definitely be worth the try.

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Stephen Snyder, M.D. is a sex therapist, psychiatrist and author of the book, Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship, who helps committed, long-term couples regain passion, sexual intimacy and closeness in their relationships. Connect with Dr. Snyder at for more information and to get started on your journey of sexual fulfillment today.

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