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You always suspected as much.
By Rebecca Jane Stokes — Written on Nov 15, 2022
The first time I was a crazy ex-girlfriend, I had no idea.
To my warped, heartbroken 18-year-old mind, there was nothing remotely "crazy" about calling my ex-boyfriend's phone, withholding my number, all so that I could hear him say hello and see if I could glean from that one word whether or not he had moved on and was in love with someone else.
Love makes us crazy sometimes, and not a little bit stupid. Look familiar?
Whenever one of my friends bemoans her behavior, saying she feels like the crazy ex, I (figuratively) stamp my foot on the ground, because I kind of feel like calling any woman, even yourself, the "crazy ex" is denigrating our own gender.
How often do you hear men referred to as crazy ex-boyfriends? Not that often, right?
When the truth of the matter is that regardless of what's going between your legs, getting your heart broken can make any one of us feel a little bit crazy.
Is there a point where that craziness goes a little overboard, where it stops being logical if an embarrassing byproduct of the end of a relationship really meant something to you?
Yeah, I think there is.
There's being sad and then there's messing with someone else's life because you can't let go. One is something everyone goes through, the other is crazy ex-territory.
Here are 5 signs you're the crazy ex-girlfriend:
1. You HAVE to check his social media constantly
It's perfectly normal to creep on your ex's Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram... for a while.
It's also perfectly normal to check in every once in a while once the wounds heel out of genuine curiosity.
But when you find yourself unable to go about your day until you have identified who that redhead in that group photo is that he's got his arm around in that last post, you're in a bit too deep.
You don't need to unfriend him or block him, but do yourself a solid and hide him from your feed, and put him on mute. These are actions you can always undo later.
You don't want to be that girl liking all of his photos and posting cute private jokes day after day after day. You don't want to be the girl quietly subtweeting him. Neither of things is going to change the fact that you aren't together anymore, neither of them is going to heal you heal your heart, and both of these types of behavior are going to earn you that dreaded moniker, "the crazy ex" and let's be real: you're better than that!
There are plenty of other penises in the sea, I promise you.
2. You invade his personal space
Are you blowing up with phone texts and sexts and calls after he's asked you not to?
Are you emailing him constantly? Are you leaving drunk sad voicemails?
Are you "coincidentally" walking by his house when you know he's due to be home from work?
You think you are staying connected to him, letting him know that you care, which is sweet in intention but creepy in practice.
Think about how you'd feel if the roles were reversed: a dude wouldn't leave you alone after you told him you needed space or that things were over.
You'd think you were in a Mark Wahlberg stars in Fear kind of situation and for good reason! Plus the only way you can get back to the best parts of your own life is by removing yourself from his orbit and rediscovering your own life separate from him.
You'll be surprised at how badass you feel.
3. You invade his social space
I know you got along with his friends but sweetie, those are his friends now. Assume he got custody in the breakup unless someone tells you otherwise.
Don't call them or try to hang out just to get details about his life without you: everyone knows what's going on, rocket scientist.
Don't go to his favorite places in the hopes of seeing him, that's not fair.
He deserves just as much time and space to rediscover life without you as you do without him.
4. You won't take no for an answer
Hey. Guess what.
No means no.
It doesn't mean "maybe" it doesn't mean "yes, but I'm too emotionally damaged to tell you that." It doesn't mean " the timing isn't right, so wait around" it doesn't mean "fight for me," it means no.
If he has rejected you and made his feelings clear, don't hold on to him.
You are SO much better than that. I swear.
5. You break the law
Slashing his tires and burning down his house might seem like good ideas when you're in throes of ire, but guess what?
THOSE THINGS ARE ILLEGAL AND ALSO GUARANTEE HIM THE RIGHT TO CALL YOU HIS CRAZY EX BECAUSE GUESS WHAT YOU DID SOMETHING CRAZY.
Do not harm him, his belongings, his career, anything, really.
He broke your heart. You want him to suffer too. Trust that the world will deliver him a dose of hurt and go about your business as a law-abiding citizen, girl.
Besides, you're too pretty for jail!
In the end, you are allowed to feel all your feelings, but it's not your right to make him sit in all of those feelings.
When he ended your relationship, you lost your right to include him in your emotional state.
It might not feel fair, and it might not be honest, but in the end, going through this painful process without him is only going to make you tougher and cool as hell!
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Rebecca Jane Stokes is a freelance writer and the former Senior Editor of Pop Culture at Newsweek. She writes about lifestyle, geek news, and true crime.