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Shocked, not shocked.
By Rebecca Jane Stokes — Written on Aug 09, 2017
I try to be pretty optimistic about men. After all, I've got a dad and he's pretty cool. My boyfriend of over a year doesn't suck utterly. And yet, whenever my girlfriends and I ingest too much Jesus Juice and start talking about penises, it always seems to go dark.
"Men lie, men are liars, why do men lie?" It's like a really, really terrible song that maybe Taylor Swift wrote one night after drunkenly sexting Harry Styles. It might not be a real song, but if you're a straight cis-woman you still know all the words by heart.
While not all men lie, the men who do lie make a massive impression.
The fairly decent boyfriend who "totally remembered" it was your birthday? You'll let that slide because he treats you like a person. He pays his bills. He respects others and treats everyone with the kindness that is due to another living person.
It's lies like "Nothing happened" that we don't forget. Often because when men say that it never seems to stay just cheating. It turns into "we only kissed" and then "we used a condom" and then "I'm taking her to get an abortion."
The lies women can't forget are the ones that hurt the most. And frankly, do you blame us?
The biggest lie men tell that drives me up the wall are the lies they say just in order to get laid.
Look, I'm not precious about sex. I think it's fun, I think it's exciting, and I think it feels good. But I do acknowledge that it's also about making yourself vulnerable. I mean, even if your dress stays on, there's still another part of a person's body inside of your body. If a dude came up to you on the street and popped a finger in his mouth, you'd be horrified.
That horrified feeling? It's the same feeling every woman has when she figures out that a guy has lied to her just to have sex. It's a crazy feeling. It's like if you were on a really terrible game show and the prize if you have to go get tested for STIs.
Is it as bad as discovering you've married an ax murderer? No way. But do you still have the right to feel shocked, hurt, and stunned to find out that they lied in order to get into your pants.
You bet your sweet bippy you do!
I asked a group of anonymous men to share with me the biggest lies they have told to have sex. Prepare to be quietly shocked once more by the skeeviness of the male species, or (silver lining ahoy) feel reassured knowing that you aren't the only woman who has ever been conned by a guy who just wanted some sweet, sweet nooky.
- "I wasn't a virgin. She knew. Trust me, she knew."
- "I liked her."
- "I told a woman I was single. I was very much married at the time, though now divorced."
- "That I'm 6' tall."
- "In my teens, I met this older girl, maybe around her mid 20s. I told her I was her age as well. Also told her that I had a job and rented a house with my friends but I recently wrecked my car, so when it finally got to the point where we were going to have sex, she had to pick me up. I told her to pick me up from "my" house (actually my friend's mother's house). Now that I think back on it, she probably knew I wasn't as old as I said I was and didn't have the life I said I did."
- "Told a girl I had mommy issues from a distant mother and that the only reason I liked having sex was so I get to cuddle afterwards and get a lot of physical affection. Not my proudest moment but I was horny."
- "My dad owns Nintendo."
- "I love you."
- "One time told a girl I worked with who liked me in my drunken state that I'd date her. She was not happy the next day when sober me said differently. Work was awkward for a bit. Totally worth it."
- "If things were different we'd be together".
- "Half jokingly said I was an astronaut. She believed it and I just went with it."
- "Lie of omission — I didn't mention that I still have my v-chip even though I was pretty confident she'd bail immediately if I did."
- "I used to make up a new backstory every time I visited someplace different. Not necessarily to get laid more just to see how in depth I could make the lie before she called bullsh*t and to prevent any awkward communications after what I wanted to be only a one night stand..."
- "'I haven't had sex in 3 months'. It was like 3 years."
- "I don't lie to women to have sex."
- "'I'll only put the tip of it in"
- "Honestly I haven't lied to get laid and I don't regret it."
- "I love country music."
- "I think you're beautiful."
Rebecca Jane Stokes is a sex, humor and lifestyle writer living in Brooklyn, New York with her cat, Batman. She hosts the sex, love, and dating advice show Becca After Dark on YourTango's Facebook Page every Tuesday and Thursday. For more of her work, click here.
