Photo: PH888 / Shutterstock
Does losing your virginity hurt?
By Kiarra Sylvester — Written on Apr 15, 2021
Losing your virginity is supposed to be a special and intimate time, but can be associated with a lot of fear, especially for women.
The average age people have sex for the first time is around 16 for guys and around 17 for girls. Despite this relatively young age, teacher Anna Thea says, "There is literally almost no education supporting a virgin. And virgins need a lot of support during this rite of passage."
Oftentimes there is fear around how much it will hurt and how gentle the sex will (or will not) be.
But losing your virginity is not a one-size-fits-all experience and the expectations are so high that first-timers are often left disappointed and some people experience pain.
What to Expect When Losing Your Virginity:
Yes, your first sexual experience with penetrative sex can hurt, and that's why finding the best position to lose virginity can make your first time better and more intimate.
Planned Parenthood explains that the first time you have vaginal sex there might be pain and bleeding due to deeper penetration, but it doesn’t happen to everybody. Some people naturally have more hymenal tissue than others — this pain and bleeding can happen when their hymen (a thin bit of skin that partially covers the vaginal opening) gets stretched.
If it still hurts after your first time, you can slowly stretch your hymen tissue with your fingers over time to make it less painful. However, if you don't stop bleeding you should see a doctor because something may be wrong.
For guys, sex isn’t usually painful. Sometimes friction during their first time may cause irritation on the penis, but using lube can fix this.
According to a 2005 Society for Sex Therapy and Research member survey, vaginal sex typically lasts three to seven minutes and for the first time, it usually is lower.
Does losing your virginity hurt? There are ways to have sex for the first time pain-free.
We spoke to Sexpert Michelle Hope to see how to reduce pain during sex for everyone, but especially virgins having sex for the first time and her simple overarching advice was that comfortable sex starts with good lubrication and good communication.
That means you need to amp up the foreplay, fellas — our expert tells us women take longer to warm up.
"When we're talking about the most comfortable sex positions it's not always about the position, although yes, that's very important," says Hope. "It's also about lubrication and making sure you're lubricated enough to allow the vagina to stretch because during arousal a vagina can deepen from 2 to 4 inches, so it was definitively built for things to come in and go out — so it's more about lubrication."
Therefore, it's completely okay if you decide to use extra lube for your first time.
"Also, the best position is communication and rooting your sex experience in communication: what feels good and what doesn't feel good and how do we communicate stop if we need to and set boundaries. Because that's really a part of safe-play is actually knowing that you're safe, which can allow the body to relax and open up the vagina, which can allow for easier penetration," Hope continues.
Tips And Techniques for Losing Your Virginity:
1. Know your body.
Masturbating before having intercourse for the first time is highly recommended.
This way you have a bit of an understanding of what works and doesn't work for your body and you can communicate this to your partner. This can also help you figure out if you are ready to have sex.
2. Communicate with your partner.
Thea says, "First, if you can't talk about sex with the person you are attracted to then you shouldn't be having it. Your ability to communicate openly about your sexual needs is really important as you become a sexually active person."
If you’re feeling nervous, tell them. Tell them if you’re scared it will hurt. This way you can both adjust and find a solution to help you feel comfortable.
Together, you can take precautions to ensure that you’re both as physically and emotionally comfortable as possible. Also, communicate during the act. If you need him to go slower, tell him. Speak up when it hurts or something feels wrong.
Lots of eye contact can help with open communication.
3. Have realistic expectations.
If it's your first time (and you're a female) you probably won't orgasm. This is just because for women to reach that climax point it takes much more than it does for guys. In fact, research suggests that 11 to 41 percent of people with a vagina have difficulty reaching orgasm with a partner.
So have a realistic expectation of what losing your virginity will be like. It will probably be awkward instead of this perfect, magical, and romantic night.
It can still be a great time, it can feel like love. Just a little awkward and you might end up laughing. Just be ready for your first time to not be what the movies make it out to be.
Best Positions To Lose Virginity:
1. Girl-On-Top Position
You've probably heard this before, but the girl-on-top positions in reverse or just plain ol' cowgirl is a top-pick because it gives women more control of how deep your partner's penis is going.
If she isn't ready to take more, then she can go at her own pace and control the pain and discomfort.
2. Man-On-Top (Missionary Position)
"The benefit of the missionary sex position is the eye to eye contact, which allows you to make a connection with the person you're having sex with, which I think is very important when losing your virginity. Because my hope would be that it's consensual and intimate and you're able to look each other in the eye and you're able to communicate," explains Hope.
Make sure you're maintaining intimacy through a regular face-to-face missionary sex position to decrease discomfort for both parties.
Besides, communication is something that most of us desire when we're losing our virginity.
However, Hope also points out that much like "Girl on Top," this position allows you to guide the penis and take it piece by piece, if necessary.
3. Planked Doggy Style Position
If you're looking to dive into doggy style as with anything, baby steps are crucial. "Oftentimes from-behind [insertion] can be way too deep," explains Hope.
She recommends for the woman to lay on her stomach while trying the doggy style position (as opposed to being on fours) with her legs together since this is a position you can control with your glutes (by squeezing) to control the penis from going in too deep.
4. Side-By-Side (Spooning) Position
The spooning sex position, either face-to-face or face-to-back, provides the same sense of control that can be gained from lying on your stomach.
Beware: She does warn that while this gentle sex position is more comfortable, it might be challenging if the man has a small penis.
"If you're losing your virginity and your partner doesn't have a big penis, some of these positions might not work for you. And not everybody has a teeny-tiny vagina," she says.
It's a gentle reminder from Hope that not every experience with gentle sex or losing your virginity will be the same.
Thea however, disagrees. "If the couple is on their side facing each other this gives the virgin space and time to navigate her sexual response system so that she doesn't feel pushed and will more easily avoid pain. Remember sex is supposed to be pleasurable."
Thea continues, "Side by side sex is what I would highly recommend as a virgin navigates the waters of becoming a sexually active adult."
To make the best of your first time, use all of the above tips and tricks to help you have pain-free sex: use lubrication, start with foreplay, have clear communication, and use gentle sex positions.
Hope says, "women take about 10-12 minutes to become aroused, and men are much quicker than that. Setting the tone and the mood is setting you up for success!"
More for You:
Kiarra Sylvester is a relationship writer and sex expert based in Atlanta. You can find her on Instagram.