Photo: WeHeartIt
These gifts are just as messed up as he is!
By Rebecca Jane Stokes — Written on Jan 31, 2017
This year, for the first time ever, I'm having a traditional Valentine's Day.
Well, kind of.
Let me back up.
For whatever reason, I've never had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day, or had a boyfriend who'd be willing to celebrate Valentine's day before.
The closest I got was last year, when there was a guy I was desperately trying to convince to love me. He and I ordered Indian food and watched The Shining.
Yeah, I know.
But now I've got this amazing boyfriend.
He's attentive and devoted and ooey-gooey and lovey-dovey so when I asked him if we could do "some traditional ridiculous Valentine's Day stuff", he was touched by the idea.
But I'm not going to let my happiness in love ruin a perfectly good opportunity to seek out a primo revenge gift for an ex.
So I started looking for the BEST gag Valentine's Day gifts to give to your awful ex ... and I discovered a hissing roach at the Bronx Museum.
Bronx Zoo
And, because I thought it was funny, I ordered one for my current boyfriend, too.
In fairness to me, I've never really been a traditional gal.
Sure, I love the idea of a guy taking me out to a fancy dinner and festooning me with flowers and adulation, but keep in mind, this guy also has another girlfriend.
We can play with traditions, but let's be real, being in a polyamorous relationship is anything but traditional.
That's why I'm hoping he'll think the joke is just as funny as I do.
That said, if you ARE more the traditional type, the brilliant idea from the Bronx Zoo and The Wildlife Conservation Society coming back for year two, is probably best reserved only for the exes in your life.
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Can you imagine?
It's Valentine's Day and the dick who broke your heart sees a red envelope in the mail with your return address on it along with some tear stains.
But it's not a love letter...
(Cue evil cackle.)
If a simple certificate isn't enough for you, there are other perfectly awful revenge gifts to send your ex for Valentine's Day.
Here are five more of my favorite gag gifts for your ex:
1. Middle Finger Candle
Candles are a traditional housewarming gift.
Candles of a well-rendered hand flipping off the receiver are the perfect tasteful way to tell him where to shove it.
2. Poop
Poop Senders (the company's actual name) will be pleased as peach to mail someone you love to hate a literal pile of shit.
While human shit is not on offer, they sell cow poop, goat dung, and have monthly specials, if you are into that sort of thing, and I think we both know that you are.
3. Literally Nothing
When you hate someone so much you are willing to spend money to let them know just how much you hate them.
This is the best and I am buying seven.
4. Bacon lube
"Because you're a fucking pig...GET IT?"
5. This shower curtain
Because he's disgusting and deserves to spend all of his time in the bathroom staring at this atrocity and wondering where he went so wrong in his life.
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