10 Things I Learned On My Trip To A (Mostly) Naked Swingers' Resort

I’m back from an incredible week in paradise at a retreat for swinger, kinky, and polyamorous couples, and although I’m deep in the drop that happens following an intense, transformative experience,

I thought I’d share some thoughts on what I learned this year.

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Here are 11 things I learned during my sexy get-a-away at a (mostly naked) swingers resort:

1. Always reject the tyranny of the "or."

I don’t have to be a top OR a bottom. I can be both.

My main resistance to topping up to now has been a fear that if I did it, that’s all I’d ever get to do going forward. After some great discussions with multiple swingers and my own exploration through the week, I realized I can explore both and don’t have to slot myself into a rigid role forever.

I got to love the floggings I received and also love guiding a woman through her first anxious time with a woman wearing a strap-on AND introduce another woman to the wonders of my dear friend, the nJoy eleven.

2. "Switching" it up is HOT.

If both of you are Switches, you can switch mid-scene, which I did during an incredibly hot encounter with Will.

I had no idea how much zing I’d get from the ‘Yes, Ma’am’ he gave me as I walked out of the room to use the washroom, instructing him that I expected him to be on his back and ready for me when I returned, despite his shaky limbs.

3. It’s not lonely at the top.

I like Topping much more than I thought (which maybe shouldn't be such a surprise to this control freak, but there it is).

Much of what I like about bottoming is that I don’t have to be in control, it’s nice to give that up, but I realized that I can be a top and have the bottom drive much of the scene. Topping isn't just taking on a bunch of extra responsibility (other than consideration and care, which I do anyway with all my partners).

I was also surprised when a sadistic side I didn’t know I had popped out, leading to me bite Wes hard in a tender area. When he yelped and asked why I’d done it, I snarled, "Because I can and you like it!" His groan was all the affirmation I needed of how right my instinct was.

4. Sex is all in my mind.

I can orgasm copiously and repeatedly from visual stimulation, or tactile stimulation unrelated to my genitals.

I didn’t always have to be primed with having had prior orgasms.

5. There's no need to visualize everyone naked because ... wait ... they totally are!

I am capable of walking around the resort naked, even though I had regular moments of panic thinking, "Should I be doing this?" — especially when I saw others wearing clothes.

Last year I could only be naked once I was in a location, but always put clothing on to walk around. Small victories.

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6. Take every opportunity available to learn from professionals.

Being flogged on a St. Andrew’s Cross by a virtuoso top is an extraordinary experience.

I loved my public flogging and even though my eyes were closed, I got so much extra thrill knowing there was a person on the other side of the dual St. Andrew’s Cross having something similar done to them simultaneously — hearing their breath catch and the smack of the flogger hitting their skin in harmony with the impact on mine.

When I had the inevitable endorphin-release laughing/crying jag, I wasn’t even that embarrassed to be doing so publicly. 

7. I’m not an extrovert, but I can play one on TV.

After I do something super extroverted and performative, such as leading the Speed Meet and Greet, I need to lie in a dark room for about an hour to weep and recover.

8. My credit score is safe (for now).

Trying out the Sybian isn’t the life-changing experience I expected it to be, though I fully admit that context and newness/unfamiliarity was likely part of that.

Kneeling on the tile floor, even with towels under knees, etc., wasn’t ideal and I’m sure it takes a while to figure out which positioning, attachments, or combinations of attachments work best. Since we were borrowing and there was only so much cleaning and disinfecting I felt like doing, so I only tried one of the attachments.

I definitely had an orgasm, but it wasn’t the chorus from the heavens I’d anticipated, which is for the best because now I don’t feel the need to spend 2k on a toy.

I would definitely try it again, though.

9. Apparently, I'm still doing this jealousy thing.

I have not conquered jealousy.

Another year into non-monogamy and jealousy is still a thing in the right (wrong?) situation. And this year’s issues were an uninspired remake of last year’s issues (I could really use a new plot, brain): A person I don’t get to spend much time with focusing his time and attention on someone younger and (to my perception) more interesting than me. Then several of my other people, including my husband, Flick, doing the same.

I was left feeling sick and abandoned and extraneous though I tried really hard to combat that feeling and be all Compersion BarbieTM: "Yay! They’re having a great time!" *stomach clench*

But why don’t they want to have that great time with me?

And it was definitely jealousy, not its healthier cousin envy. Waves of those feelings continue as I process the week.

10. Double-ended dildos are the latest in hot tub accessorizing.

Wearing a double-ender ‘strapless’ strap-on dildo in the hot tub is super-fun.

The currents dragged it around in a way that moved the internal portion quite pleasurably inside me, plus I could wear a glow bracelet as a cock ring. I could have tug-of-wars with a giant glowing ball with Ophilia wearing a similar dildo..

*I received no financial reward for attending this event and paid for the entire cost of the trip out of my own pocket.

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Kat Stark is a geeky, Canadian, queer, bi/pansexual, feminist who came to ethical non-monogamy 21-years into her relationship with her husband. After a quick toe-dip to test the waters (and hours of obsessive reading and podcast consumption), they dove in and she almost can't imagine they ever lived any other way.

This article was originally published at Life on the Swingset. Reprinted with permission from the author.