In The Middle Ages, Witches Stole Penises And Kept Them As PETS

Photo: weheartit

The best way to get accused of wrong-doing in the 1600s? Be a woman, be a source of envy, or even be disliked. Really, just be a woman, because of your magical penis-stealing powers.

Don't act so shocked, ladies  they know. We can drop the act, and I suppose we'll have to put the penises back where we got them from and can no longer keep them as pets. It's a tough move, but I was running low on oats to feed that thing, anyway.

For those of you who are unaware, history just keeps unveiling itself as one long, written tradition regarding men and their penises. Either due to pride of their penises, the envy of another man's penis, the want of using them in new lands, on new, unsuspecting women-folk, or the fear that said women-folk will steal them away.

No, really. Everything that's ever been done: war, conquest, technology, construction? it's all because of men and their penises.


I mean, even one of the most notable wars in history, the Trojan War, was rumored to have started because two men wanted to use their penises on a woman and it was unacceptable to just consider a time-share instead of full-blown conquest. (Or you know, ask her who she'd prefer.)

And the witch trials were no different.

Yep, it was for their own penis-protection, ladies. Because we are terrible, terrible di*k thieves, and men will move mountains — or kill a whole bunch of innocent people — to protect their little members. It's a realistic fear when you consider the connotation of a naive, religiously-minded community who really believe that women would make the very points of their pride completely disappear from their bodies.

It gets a bit unrealistic when you consider that people from the past also believed that women would keep them in nests and feed them oats (because what else does a penis eat?!), presumably while stroking them gently and tucking them in at night, singing Satanic verses and poisoning them against their masters.


It's a lot less bizarre when you break down the psychology of the act. Men were simply worried that women would steal their "power" away — that is, their masculinity — and made things weird and a bit murder-y for everyone involved.

One of the most notable books from the witch trial period of history, the Malleus Maleficarum by Heinrich Kramer, describes the practice and gives references to cases where members of the small council straight up vanished.

Though this book has even been regarded as "one of the most terrifying and obnoxious books ever written," there is no denying that it helped spark the fear that women — and more notably their sexuality — would castrate men and leave them impotent. In fact, this fear led to many deaths in the witch trials, because men apparently don't take the chance when di*k-magic is involved and figured, "Better safe than missing a penis!"

To this day, men and their penises are still so intertwined in the male psyche as being a sign of masculine "power" that even presidential nominees will argue the size of their manhood on live, national television.


To a man, penis equals power, and women lust after power because they have none of their own; therefore, they require penises to give them that power. That's probably part of the reason why laws regarding women's bodies and health are still largely being debated by a bunch of old men who shouldn't (and honestly don't) have the right to say what is done with them.

Let's just hope that those penis-stealing witches in the audience don't get any ideas, because we wouldn't want to spark a new witch hunt.

Just remember to feed your stolen penis well, ladies. I hear that's the way to its heart.

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