The Next Type Of Penis You'll Sleep With, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

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The Next Penis You'll Sleep With, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

They're not all good; they're not all bad, but dick is dick and this might be the next type of penis you can expect to encounter based on your zodiac sign

Aries (March 21 to April 19):

The toothpick: Sounds a little painful, right? This dick can be incredible or it can make you cringe every time it pokes at you or you might not even be able to tell that it’s there. It’s ultra super long and skinny with a bit of a pointed head. It’s kind of like one of your vibrators, except thinner, and it doesn’t vibrate. If he angles himself correctly then he’s just about able to ram into your g-spot, if not, then he may be in your pussy, he may be in your ass… you can’t really tell at this point but he should be finished soon. 

Best sexual partners: Leo, Libra, Gemini, Scorpio

Taurus (April 20 to May 20):

The shorty: This is the one we’ve all heard rumors about and maybe even seen in person on the off chance you didn’t bounce at first suspicion of it. It’s the choad! The one that’s waaay shorter and fatter than it is long; kind of like a square shape. I mean… it might feel good?

Best sexual partners: Scorpio, Cancer, Virgo, Capricorn

Gemini (May 21 to June 21):

The shape-shifter: This is the ‘grower not a shower’ type that will have you sorely disappointed if you start to feel around before he’s ready. You think the sex is going to be terrible and can’t wait for it to be over before it’s even begun. Don’t run too soon though thinking that there’s nothing there but a couple inches of floppy meat. Give your guy a second to warm up and bada bing bada boom! You have a nice, probably above average, erect dick in your mouth, ass, wherever you’re sticking it. 

Best sex matches: Aries, Gemini, Sagittarius, Aquarius

Cancer (June 22 to July 22): 

The normal one: This is the slightly small to average dick that drives you completely wild! It may not have the length of a schlong, but it’s proportional, symmetrical with a slight curve to the right, and he knows just how to work it. The biggest doesn’t always mean the best and often times, if guys feel they have less to physically show in size, then they will work twice as hard to make you cum over and over and over again.

Best sexual partners: Taurus, Leo, Capricorn, Pisces

Leo (July 23 to August 22):

The one wearing the hoodie: Anywhere but America, this wouldn’t come as such a shock when you jump into bed with someone for the first time, but uncircumcised dicks are far and few between here (at least in my experience). So when you do happen across one… it’s interesting. There’s a lot of extra skin that you’re not used to. Like what do you do with it? Do you play with it; do you push it down? Hell, you may not even be able to tell at first if he’s well endowed and hard, at least not until he goes soft again and the turtle shrinks back into his shell. On the plus side, they’re really not as weird as they look, and they’re way more sensitive than a circumcised penis… so you know, that’s fun.

Best sexual partners: Scorpio, Aries, Sagittarius, Leo

Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22):

The one with the battery pack: This is the far more predictable way to go. It emanates perfection. You can pick the color, size, shape, texture, and vibration speeds. Yes, you guessed it. It’s a vibrator. You can have it any way, any time, and at any speed that you like without any of the surprises you might get when a guy whips out his dick. You whip out this bad boy and it’ll do whatever and however you like.

Best sexual partners: Taurus, Libra, Pisces, Capricorn

Libra (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22):

The leaning tower of penis: Not everyone has had the pleasure of encountering this type of penis in real life before. It can either be super amazing and hit that g-spot just right with its little ‘come hither’ curve at the tip, or it’s not quite leaning, more at at 90 degree angle that you have to mount sideways. Either way, it’ll always lead to an interesting sexual experience.

Best sexual partners: Aries, Gemini, Leo, Sagittarius

Scorpio (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21):

The Schlong: This is the one that looks just how it sounds. It’s terrifyingly huge in length, width, girth… but it looks like it would feel absolutely amazing inside of you. Granted, it hurt to put a tampon in for the first time, so who knows how this is going to work, but babies come out of there too, right? So it’s probably worth a shot. You’ll know he’s too big if you can see him through your stomach as he’s pounding into you and there’s still some of it left that hasn’t quite made it in. 

Best sexual partners: Taurus, Leo, Scorpio, Pisces

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21):

The hunky jungle junk: He’s sexy, scruffy, and toned, and you just can’t wait to see what he has hiding under those jeans. Come to find out, that he has a perfect looking penis. Perfect length, not too skinny, not too thick… the only thing is, you’re having trouble untangling it from the matted jungle of pubes that are holding it hostage. At least you won’t have to worry about flossing tonight… 

Best sexual partners: Leo, Aries, Gemini, Aquarius

Capricorn (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19):

The super sensitive one: The one we have a very love/ hate relationship with. He’s basically cumming in his pants before you’ve even gotten out of yours, which means you have to wait, frequently, for him to rev himself back up again. On the other hand though, he makes you feel like you have crazy good skills every time you mess around because he’s done before you’ve even pulled out your best moves. Practice, practice, practice and he’ll eventually figure out how to last longer. 

Best sexual partners: Cancer, Taurus, Capricorn, Virgo, Scorpio

Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18):

The emotionally unstable one: He’s up. He’s excited, and he’s ready for action. This is the type that sparky and always seems ready to go. He’s even slightly average to above but a couple minutes into the action, just as you’re getting into it… wait, what song is this in the background? Aaaand we’re soft. He’s emotions and his penis are strongly connected so if there’s any kind of distraction or underlying emotion that cannot be taken over by his horniness, then it’s going to be a roller coaster going up and down every few minutes. That just means he may need a little extra motivation to take away from the distractions.

Best sexual partners: Gemini, Aquarius, Sagittarius, Virgo

Pisces (Feb. 19 to March 20):

The micropenis: This is an actual thing it turns out. It’s a real ‘condition’ that doesn’t allow a man's penis to grow any bigger than maybe three inches. I highly doubt you’d even be able to feel it inside of you, but maybe if they rub and grind it along your clit it would do the trick? Also, I bet they’re amazing at oral (you know, to make up for other things) and you won’t ever have to worry about your gag reflex.

Best sexual partners: Scorpio, Cancer, Virgo, Libra


This article was originally published at PuckerMob. Reprinted with permission from the author.