Guys Who Brag About Their Penis Size Are The Absolute WORST In Bed

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big penis bad lover

Ugh. Don’t we all know that one douchebag who won’t stop bragging about his supposedly “giant” penis? Cue the eyerolls.


Like, dude, even if it is as big as you love to say it is (highly doubtful), that doesn’t mean shit unless you know how to USE it.

And I know, I know — there’s a never-ending dispute on the whole penis size to sexual prowess correlation. But that’s not what this is about. This is about the guys who assume they’re amazing in bed simply because their dicks happen to be a few inches longer than average. Um, NO.


In fact, some of the most monumentally awful sex in the history of humankind has involved these very douchebags and their delusional wonder-cocks, and we have the stories to prove it.

“I’ve been with two guys with truly remarkable dicks. One never said a word about his member, not even after I remarked about it. He just smiled and blushed a little. The other talked about his penis and made jokes about his size at least two times before we actually hooked up. Guess which one was great in bed, and which one was truly, remarkably horrible? Yes. The guy who bragged about it was TERRIBLE. He was all about himself, even though he acted like he was about being great in bed. He was performing like he was in a porn, not connecting to a live human being. Every woman I know has had this experience with a guy, and guys who think they’re super well-endowed tend to be the worst!” — Jill

“I met this guy one night in college, and I thought he was hot. (It must have been the tequila.) Long story short, I took him home with me. We didn't have a condom, so I wasn't going to fuck. So I gave him a blow job, and called it a day. Well that morning, he was like ‘Aren't I big? Suck it again. Tell me how good I taste,’ and blah blah. I thought he was kidding at first, but then I started getting all these weird messages from him about how he's probably the biggest I've ever seen and how it was a good thing we didn't fuck because I couldn't handle it. So I told the creep off and made sure he knew how disgusting he actually was.” —​ Tori

“When it just won’t go in, no one has any fun.” —​ Kim

"One of my exes was so cocky about what he called 'The Punisher' (A.K.A. his dick), but he is, to date, the WORST I have ever experienced. Sex with him wasn't sexy, just awkward. I know for a fact I wasn't his first, but he still somehow had no idea what he was doing. I never finished. Not even once." —​ Amy

"I heard a story from a female friend. A guy she knew had always spoken about his penis as if it were a 'beast.' She used to find it amusing, until a friend of hers decided to go on a date with him. After a lackluster date, she hoped that the sex might be decent. But the minute they got to his bedroom, he was animalistic — and not in a good way. She felt a bit like she was getting mauled by an over-excited puppy, and it turned out that the 'beast' was a little one and functioned for very little time — not enough to even get her going. That was the last she saw of him." — Nicole

Thankfully, there's a silver lining to all this terrible sex. We'll have these horror stories forever, ready to tell whenever we feel like mocking how obliviously awful these tools are.