Photo: WeHeartIt
Animal sex, human sex... it's all the same. Right? (Not so much)
By Never Liked It Anyway — Written on May 04, 2016
Love and sex can get pretty messy (both physically and emotionally) for people. For animals though, sex is anything but complicated.
Although being human can seem tough at times, we should be thankful we don't have partners that do things in the bedroom like these 10 animals do (or maybe we do ... in which case I applaud you):
1. Hooded Seals: "Hey, wanna watch me bounce my balloon?"
Apparently the hottest guy in the hooded seal community is the one with the biggest … nasal balloon. (Not where you thought that was going, was it?) To impress the female, the male will blow up his nasal balloon like bubble gum and bounce it around to show off his skills.
Picture this — these "balloons" can get as big as the seal’s entire head (WTF?!)
2. Praying Mantis: "Don't worry, biting turns me on."
These gals bring a whole new meaning to the song “Maneater.” We all know how a good sex sesh can work up an appetite, but for the praying mantis, her meal is literally her partner.
Don’t worry — she’ll start with his head so he doesn’t have to see himself getting eaten alive. And in true male fashion, he’ll keep going at it WHILE being eaten alive. Imagine THAT.
3. White Fronted Parrot: "Is it cool if I puke in your mouth?"
These little lovebirds like to show their attraction just like we do — making out. But instead of slipping the tongue, once the male is aroused, this dirty bird will puke into the female’s mouth instead. Gross right?
Weirdly enough, the female sees this as a sign of intimacy. I’m not so sure how much more intimate that can really get ...
4. Bowerbird: "Want to check out what I built?"
This cute little guy devotes his time to building a beautiful little structure called a bower, which is usually shaped like a little hut. He tries to impress the female by stealing from other bower’s to get the objects he wants for his own.
I think a few guys can take some cleaning and decorating tips from this bird.
5. Argentine Lake Duck: "Mine can actually do tricks ... ever heard of lasso?"
This tiny 17 inch duck isn’t so cute and innocent. This lil’ guy’s “lil’ guy” is also 17 INCHES long. The corkscrew shape of the Argentine Lake Duck’s member seems to be a part of evolutionary attraction for the female.
Not interested? Too bad, because he can lasso the female with his penis if she tries to escape. WTF.
6. Honey Bee: "Hey honey, can I plug you with my junk?"
Let’s say us ladies are all female honey bees and we all live into adulthood (and don’t kill each other) ... we each then become Queen Bee (sorry Beyonce).
Once we're at the right mating age, TONS of males will come at us trying to 'get it in'. Only ONE will be successful, but get this — he'll DIE. Why, you ask? Because his junk will BREAK OFF and stay inside of us, acting like a plug so no other guys can try to fertilize our egg EVER AGAIN.
We just killed a guy our first time doing it. And his thing is, uh, stuck down there. I don’t think I need to go on any further.
7. Bonobo: "What's your stance on group sex?"
These types of chimps take the saying “Make Love, Not War,” very literally. In fact their whole community is based around making love. Instead of a handshake, how about some fellatio? Need me to give you some food? No money is needed, let’s just make out. Got in a fight? Let’s make up with sex.
Basically, bonobos are always in one big orgy.
8. Giraffes: "Just pee on me, it's fine."
Those long necks make it hard for guy giraffes to know when the females are in heat, since their privates are so far away. But no worries! These guys have a way to find out — just drink her pee!
The males will bow their long neck down, and bump the female’s behind to induce urination (consider yourself lucky that you don't pee yourself every time a guy has ever hit YOUR ass) which he then takes a little taste of to tell if she’s “good to go”.
He then will pretty much relentlessly follow her around until she gives in to him. Why does this whole thing sound like some weird, messed up bar scene?
9. Dolphins: "Hi, we're going to have sex now."
Male dolphins have an extremely high sex drive, and will pretty much hump anything in site. If they happen upon a female, they’re getting it in — no questions asked. The only downside for the female ... the males usually only take about 15 seconds or less to finish (WOW).
Humping inanimate objects, sea turtles and basically anything they can get their flippers on — and they’re premature. You know what … I’m pretty sure dolphins are all teenage boys.
10. Porcupines: "Flip me over and lets do this."
Apparently with porcupines, when the male finds a gal that sparks his fancy, he will stand up and spray pee all over her (apparently golden showers are a big thing with animals).
If the female isn’t impressed with his urine (uhhhh...) then she will just shake it off and walk away. But if she’s feelin’ it, she’ll flip over and then they will go at it doggy-style until the male is exhausted. Once he is too tired, the female will just move on to find another suitor.
This article was originally published at Never Liked It Anyway. Reprinted with permission from the author.
