The Hotter The Dude, The Bigger The Jerk: A Matrix For All Women

Men can be crazy — but only if their abs are made of chocolate and orgasms.

couple hugging LightField Studios / Shutterstock

Men love to call women crazy, even though they're the reason that she's so "crazy" to begin with. 

It's a lot easier than saying, "This vagina with boobs attached has feelings that I don't understand, and that frightens me."

At this point, a guy calling me crazy hurts me about as much as squeezing out a blackhead from my nose, minus the extreme satisfaction that activity elicits. Men think that because we reject them, that gives them an automatic pass to say the most hurtful things about us.


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But that doesn't make it OK. We've got a woman running for president — that's huge! But we've also got guys like this gun-totting, khaki-wearing, 47-year-old smarmy chode sharing videos about something he calls the "Hot/Crazy Matrix." Men over the centuries just come up with new ways to put down women. And it almost always has to do with our looks.

That's right, as Hillary Clinton fields questions about Benghazi, some a**-wipe in a starched button-down (we will call him Stu) has made it his mission to explain to young men the world over that it's OK to f*ck a totally crazy woman provided that she's extremely hot. Imagine if a guy you were going out with said that about you. I would dump him so fast. 


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The best thing is that these women aren't even crazy! They're just finally standing up for themselves after all the sh*t their men are putting them through. She's not crazy, she's just standing up for herself.

​I watched this video once in stunned silence. Then I watched it again just quietly saying, "I can't even" over and over again. Then I considered going all GIF Panda on my own computer, but that seemed foolhardy. Then, after roughly half a martini, I decided to let this whole deal go. Then I finished the martini and was all "F*ck that!" I had things to say and no more martini to drink, I had a plan.

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To that end, I've created the "Dick/Hot Matrix." Because men are simple creatures, easily quantifiable and worthy of our condescension. 

Pretty hard to argue with science, am I right ladies? This is the best chart to show the ratio of hotness to craziness for men and it's based entirely on my own experiences, and I'm never wrong. Please feel free to share this chart.

Also, I'm available for all your chart-making needs. You can compensate me with martinis. Now I need to go lay down and dream about martinis. Can you see an underlying pattern here?


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Rebecca Jane Stokes is a freelance writer and the former Senior Editor of Pop Culture at Newsweek with a passion for lifestyle, geek news, and true crime.