Photo: weheartit
It's a steaming mess of physical and social discomfort.
By Rebecca Jane Stokes — Written on Jan 25, 2016
I'm pretty vanilla when it comes to sex. I let my not-so-freaky flag fly with pride. That's because if we're talking about someone's sex life, like so many other arenas, I'm an ardent believer that you should never yuck somebody else's yum. I'm not a fan of baby corn, but that doesn't mean I look down on you for enjoying it. The same can be said of those who enjoy having their boobs sexed.
But when I heard about the sex position of 2016, "The Eiffel Tower 69," I was baffled — nay, floored. 69? Sure, sexiness abounds. An Eiffel Tower? Not my speed, but get your sexy on, you crazy kids.
Photo: Jezebel
But when you combine the 69 with an Eiffel Tower, you get a pig roast of social awkwardness that's far more likely to end in a torn ligament or the destruction of a friendship than it is in paroxysms of orgasmic bliss. I can think of thousands of things I'd rather do or try than this sex position (which involves two men having sex from behind with two women who are 69-ing). For the sake of brevity, I've limited myself to sharing 5 of them.
1. Anal sex
That's right, I'd rather my brown-eye were plundered to invite several friends over to try this acrobat maneuver. I mean hey, with the way I roll, I'm usually just one scotch on the rocks away from espousing the joys of anal pleasures anyway, so...
2. Make spreadsheets
Nothing fills me with ire quite like trying to make a spreadsheet. I know, Excel is magic. Except that it's not, you guys. And if I have to deal with that little helpful paperclip icon one more time, I'm gonna have to tell him to go Eiffel 69 himself.
3. Engage with wait staff
There's nothing more awkward than trying to forge a relationship with the person refilling your water and sharing the good news of the day's specials with you. I turn into everyone's portly uncle, making terrible jokes and getting their name wrong. But I'd rather bellow "Clearly I hated it!" as my empty plate is cleared a thousand times than ever get stuck in a debate over whose penis is going where.
4. Wear lingerie
I've tried wearing lingerie for a man exactly once. I felt sexy and amazing ... until I left the bathroom and his eyes darted over at me and then back to the video game he was playing. It was too much of a cliché for words. But I'd rather repeat this hellish Groundhog Day-esque scenario than ever try this sex position.
5. Burn myself
When I was about 14 I unplugged an iron and tossed it in a casual hip way (I'm very casual and hip and everyone can attest to this) onto my bed. Seconds later having forgotten this, I sat down on my bed in an equally hip and cool fashion and roasted my left buttock. For a week I couldn't fully sit down, and fully sitting down is one of my favorite activities. That's how you know I'm serious about this.
That's just a taste. What about you?
