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There are no shortcuts in love.
By Bob Alaburda — Written on Nov 30, 2015
Sex and falling in love have a lot in common: they both feel amazing and you still cringe when you think about your first time. One can lead to the other, and it doesn't particularly matter which came first. But as many have come to discover, they aren't two sides of the same coin.
Brains are weird and hearts are even weirder, and the fact that they both release chemicals that make you happy and want to bond with your partner can make everything confusing.
At the atomic level, there are really only two components of any (amorous) relationship: mental and physical. What percentage of each you desire is different for everyone, but you need both. (Though I'd wager most people tip the scale toward the mental side of that ratio.)
When I say "mental," I mean all of those things that aren't tied to sex: emotion, communication, compatibility, loyalty, et al. All of those things come down to how your minds connect (as opposed to your bodies).
To be satisfied in a relationship, you need to be satisfied with both sides of that equation. The harsh truth is, they can't compensate for each other. But people sure do try.
Sex is the easier of the two. Any two people can have sex, and with a little practice it can be awesome. Not everybody can fall in love. What often ends up happening is people try to make up for a deficit with sex, and that never works. All it does it make you feel good and temporarily mask your relationship's flaws.
Sex is basically concealer for your relationships. Applied correctly, it can cover blemishes and imperfections, but at the end of the day it starts to fade away and reveal the truth.
Imagine the reverse: You're unhappy with the frequency of sex in your relationship. You can talk about it and decide together to make a change. But the actual talking doesn't fix the problem ... only more sex.
It goes both ways. Jumping into bed every night, even if it's amazing, isn't going to fix your communication or trust issues. It just makes you ignore the elephant in the room for a little while. Eventually, the elephant will remind you it's there.
