Don't Even THINK About A Threesome Until You Read These 10 Tips

By Maya Jordan

I've been called a lot of things in my life, "whore" and "slut" are crowd favorites for the witch burners among us. Given my membership in the growing movement of highly visible slutty women, I'm pretty much unfettered by those mutterings.

I am a whore. I am a slut and proud of it.

In the sugar baby days of my early 20s (cue to all the haters out there to refer to me as "prostitute" — thank you, I take that as a compliment), I was living in NYC and having a rip-roaring good time. I began orchestrating what I now call codependent sex acts between my male partners who I had grown bored with but remained fond of and my best girlfriends, many of whom were dancers (the exotic variety) or fellow sugar babies.

When I grew particularly sick of a certain sugar daddy who I will anonymously refer to as "Ohio" I staged a trip out to the Bellagio in Vegas and brought my wildly flamboyant Polish friend Joanna with me. I gambled and drank while she surrogate-ly banged him in front of the fountains in broad daylight. Joanna was an exhibitionist and happy to indulge in anyone's fantasy, provided they were good in bed (or conversely out of bed in front of wary travelers and a gorgeous combination of water, music, and light).

It was in Vegas, on that trip, that I had my first threesome. Ohio had a total Dad bod, which was pretty standard for an executive of his caliber, but his c*ck was the girth of a beer can and truly peerless at that time in terms of its splendor. I was young. Little did I know that girth was only one of many deciding factors determining pleasure.

At any rate, Vegas delivered a bunch of impressions to my tender, experimental mind and those were the makings of what was to be a concrete foundation in the building of my "how to have a threesome" knowledge base. Because of Vegas and a ridiculous number of threesomes to come, many began referring to me as the "Threesome Whisperer" — something with a bit more traction to me than the aforementioned utterings.

I have always been a proponent of good, honest sex, as well as transparency in all interactions. With those sentiments in mind, I will spill forth on my conclusions over the last 13 or so years of girl-girl-guy action because, fundamentally, at the end of the day, life is too short for disappointing, uninspired sex.

Here's how to have a threesome and everything you need to know before having one.

1. Good communication is key.

Most of my threesomes took place with a primary partner (usually male) and a play partner (generally female). Ground rules were established up front in terms of hard limits — things each person was not willing to engage in — and soft limits — things you may be willing to hedge on if the timing is right.

Good communication should be transactional for each sexual encounter you engage in. We're not teenagers having rushed interactions in our parent's basements anymore. We're grown. And grown-ass people recognize that talking about their expectations and feelings has serious rewards and conveys a sense of respect for your partner(s).

2. Be aware of what your primary partner likes.

In case you didn't know, the human male is seriously stimulated by lesbian sex acts. This can be as basic as two girls kissing. Boob on boob action is always appreciated. Next-level-sh*t might be some finger action or digital penetration as the geeks refer to it. If you're jones-ing for more you might proceed to some cunnilingus or rimming.

If you find this progression intimidating, don't sweat it, darling. Simply bone up (pun intended) on some materials addressing these acts.

As a bisexual female, I don't give a tar what dudes find attractive, I'm an equal opportunist. My current primary is a woman and I'm most interested in her pleasure when we engage with a third. My partner is into BDSM so I often encourage our third to sauce things up a bit in that department.

I recognize that I am my primary partner's advocate when engaging a third as our relationship takes precedence for me. We can have a great time with a random because we understand one another's proclivities and how to be helpful in that respect.

3. Get serious about protection.

A trail of condoms on the floor, in the hallway, on the kitchen floor, in the backyard — this is evidence of a threesome well done. Dental dams a-flutter, crinkling between the sheets — good job champ. The conversation about STI status should have been had already, even with protection in hand. Transparency is important. Again, it implies respect for your partner(s) as well as yourself.

4. Slow and steady wins the race.

Threesomes shouldn't be a penetrative f*ck-fest. That's pretty amateur, honestly. If simple penetration is your approach to normative one-on-one sex then it will bleed into your threesome interactions by default so try to explore some more creative techniques with your one-on-one partner please, in preparation. Consider it training. There is far more to sex than simple penis-vagina penetration (i.e.: oral, prostate play, orgasm denial, tantra, digital stimulation, etc).

This is perhaps one of the biggest misconceptions about MFF threesomes — this idea that the dude has exactly one hour to satisfy both females and needs to call in the blue pill infantry. This concept is patently false. Threesomes are marathons, not sprints. Breaks are divinely inspired. His member will rise to any occasion, un-medicated, with proper rest and stimulation. She will orgasm multiple times and squirt like a machine with the right kind of attention.

5. Stay hydrated.

Whip out the electrolytes. Bring on the Diet Coke. Sure, you may choose to imbibe your favorite alcoholic beverage as well but don't get wasted. There's nothing more pathetic than a drunk person attempting to f*ck. Quite nauseating really. Their creativity is severely compromised and they lack the raw physicality that helps keep things spontaneous because they're struggling with basic performance issues.

Keep your wits about you and your performance will be infinitely enhanced. Sure, you may be nervous, especially with two witnesses in the room. Have a glass of wine to loosen it up but cap it at two.

6. Try a photo shoot with both partners.

Having made the successful transition from being a prude and never wanting photographic evidence of my exploits to a full-on amateur iPhone pornographer, I can say definitively that the latter is far more fun.

These days, I'm most interested in having fun. I've given birth naturally in front of a roomful of strangers and my buttoned-up mother. That stripped the last few remnants of shame from my being. I'm no longer bashful about my vagina or the documentation of it and choose to celebrate that freedom regularly.

Photo shoots also happen to be a great technique for establishing a moderate pace in your threesome interactions. Take a breather, take some pictures, grab some water, and then go at it again.

I take it as a great sign if my primary wants pictures and happily indulge. I also take a few to put in my spank bank, on my FetLife profile, or send to keep the home fires burning in between exploits. I don't allow randoms to photograph me whatsoever. Pictures to me are a privilege, established through mutual trust, admiration, and the passage of time.

7. Bring out the toys.

Give his member the chance to rehabilitate. One of the most fantastic things about being female is our capacity to be multiorgasmic. We can easily be working on number three or four with a toy and our female counterpart while he enjoys the show. We can easily be working on number three or four with a toy and our female counterpart while he enjoys the show.

Hopefully, you've been exploring the fine art of masturbation and know how to get yourself there. If there's one thing I can't stress enough it is the fact that we, as women, need to be accountable for our orgasms. They are our responsibility, no one else's.

If you're curious about the dimensions toys can add to your sex life, head down to your neighborhood sex shop and start asking questions. The majority of people who work in sex shops are pretty darn progressive and eager to share their knowledge. They've explored, tested, and are educated in the products that abound the shelves around them.

When you consider that the majority of decent vibrators and dildos run around $100, consider what that price point might entail. We're talking customer service, b*tches, and these folks know what they're doing. They want to sell you the items that will get you there because then you'll be back for more. Toys are addictive and an investment in pleasure.

8. Different is good. Celebrate it. 

For instance, my primary has a body like Marilyn Monroe. I do not. She's ridiculously curvy, has natural 34DD breasts, and an ass that just won't quit. I'm built like a boy with legs for days and fake ta-tas tacked on for posterity. We're quite different physically and present quite dynamically together.

We also have different tastes when it comes to thirds. It's always interesting to me when I blow her mind with a third that she wouldn't normally be attracted to — a long and lean athlete with about three percent body fat — that's a pretty consistent type for me while she likes them short and stocky. The third I pick is usually quite enchanted with her as well and his paradigm shifts in terms of what he considers attractive when he experiences her deep and profound commitment to giving a proper BJ and the way that her curves respond to his touch.

When perspectives shift, I get excited on a lot of levels. When people cum in atypical circumstances, minds are blown. That's the touchstone for me, in terms of what I do. My commitment is to share the love I have for my partner with another individual who I find intriguing and exciting. Jealousy is for petty basic b*tches with mediocre lives. Open yourself up.

9. Get playful and curious. 

Whatever happened to having fun in the sack? Have we ever? Or has it been strictly shame-based, rushed, and made to be as expedient as possible? Is it one of those aspirational things we promise to do when we have time, or when we finally get to go to the British Virgin Islands, or after we get married? Eff that. Eff it hard.

Take the time to find out what makes you tick sexually and then share that with your partner(s). They deserve to experience the raw intensity of you, in your most fundamental state. When your partner experiences that level of honesty, they will crave you, will want more of you, and it has absolutely nothing to do with what you look like physically. It's an intensity of spirit.

Get there. Get curious about your wants and needs, then share them with those who are worthy.

10. Experienced with all of this? Then get with an audience. 

An audience is some next-level sh*t. My local sex club, here in the Midwest, is a place called Club Princeton and is always open to hosting a good threesome in the play area while voyeurs indulge in drinks and gather to spectate. There's a pane of glass that separates the on-lookers from the play area so one doesn't have to hear the audience's impressions and can focus on what's important — the threesome itself.

If you've got an inner exhibitionist that requires a release, an audience is your next frontier for learning how to have a threesome. If you want to attract other play partners, an audience will serve as a recruiter for such prospects. It's also one hell of a good time and can lead to more boisterous interactions like group sex with multiple couples.