Forever Alone: 25 Reasons No Woman Will Ever Marry Me

Photo: WeHeartIt

I have a horrifying sense of humor.

I know what you're thinking: Challenge accepted. I will marry the ever-loving SH*T out of you. Just try and stop me.

I appreciate your defiance, dear reader, but it's ultimately futile. For you see, I'm the sort of person that opens an article by arguing with a figment of my own narcissistic imagination. And we haven't even gotten to the list yet.

Will you maintain that steadfast confidence as I count the ways I'm not cut out for marriage? There's another one: I make up words. That's pretty annoying I bet.

Here are 25 more verses in my self-fulfilling prophecy:

  1. I can't build sh*t.
  2. I can't fix sh*t, either.
  3. I don't care if that means I'm not a real man.
  4. I don't watch TV.
  5. I don't use social media.
  6. Therefore, I don't care about 98 percent of the things you probably want to talk about.
  7. I never want kids.
  8. Trust me, kids don't want me, either.
  9. I have a horrifying sense of humor.
  10. I refuse to dial it down in front of your friends and family.
  11. And your coworkers.
  12. Weddings are a massive, impractical waste of money.
  13. Not to mention the rings.
  14. And it all seems like one big circle-jerk.
  15. I'm not going to ask you in the first place.
  16. So, that already eliminates anyone who believes in more "traditional" gender roles.
  17. If you asked me, I'd say no anyway.
  18. At this point, marriage is a logical impossibility.
  19. Unless you forced me at gunpoint.
  20. Which sounds like the plot to a rad Tarantino movie, so I might be into it.
  21. But still, no.
  22. What are you, some kind of marriage rapist?
  23. Let's just drink beer and play video games.
  24. Like, A LOT of beer.
  25. And A LOT of video games.