7 Weird Things Guys Do With Their Penises (But Don't Talk About)

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Weird Things Guys Do With Their Penis

Penises are pretty weird ... and that's before we get our hands on them. If Einstein could unravel the very fabric of our universe, solving unforetold mysteries in the process, imagine what he could do with his un-hypothetical penis.

We spend the first 10-ish years of our lives believing the only role of a penis is to pass water through our digestive systems. And upon learning of its ultimate purpose, we spend the rest of our lives seeing what other wonderful tricks it might be hiding.

Here are the seven weird, secret things men do with their penises: 

1. Putting it in things, which is pretty rad.

Socks. Warm apple pie. Girls who will eventually break our hearts. We don't get easy-to-use, practical sex toys like you do, OK?

2. Nicknames, because why not?

You think it's easy to fall into a Wikipedia hole and lose half your day? Try searching for penis terminology on Urban Dictionary.

To be honest, I never saw the advantage of anthropomorphizing my member, to bestow sentience and agency upon it. For my own peace of mind, I need to believe I have rule over it. If it actually had a mind of its own, I'd be ruined, considering my penis has a one-track mind.

3. Helicoptering

Helicoptering is when you thrust your hips in a hula-hoop-like fashion to make it spin like the blades of ... you know what? Just Google it with safe search ON.

4. Moving their erection around

So ladies, you know how you put your vagina away safely in your pants every morning and it just sits there all day, like a dog waiting for its owner to return home ... drooling occasionally?

Penises emphatically don't do that. It's all fun and games until an erection decides to ram the most sensitive part of your body up against the one article of clothing that contains metal.

Ask any guy, and if he's not a goddamn liar, he'll tell you his penis placement strategy. Does he orient it straight up and back? This leaves "room to grow" and hides it well, but depending on his size or type of pants, his member might escape for a few breaths of fresh air above the button. 

I’m more of a pocket protector, if you will. Directing the penis towards one of your pockets is a bit more constrictive than the method above, but allows for easy concealment and stealthy repositioning simply by placing your hands in your pockets.

5. Drip management

Peeing can be fraught with peril. Yes, I just wrote that sentence.

After a dude responds to a code yellow, it's not as simple as dabbing with a tissue like women do. There are always a few drops locked away within the apparatus that inevitably leak out and soil your underwear.

There are a few techniques that men use to purge their machinery of any renegade urine. You're probably familiar with the "shake" method already, so I won't go into it.

The truth is, it's not that effective. So what else do guys do in there (besides graffiti penises on the stall, apparently)?

Some employ toilet paper, like the ladies, but it doesn't completely solve the issue. Others "stroke" it a bit, which can coax a little more out.

One of the most effective techniques, however, is to lift up your testicles and push up on that part right behind it while shaking it off. I'm serious.

6. Measuring it

It's not weird to want to know your size. The act of measuring in and of itself just seems strange. How often do you otherwise take your pants off to use a home-improvement tool?

Generally, the only time a tape measure is being used on a person's body is at the tailor, but if I whip my penis out there, suddenly I'm "breaking the law" and "disturbing the other customers." Whatever that all means.

7. Seeing what objects an erection can hold/balance

A penis makes a natural dish towel rack, or so I'm told.

Bob Alaburda is an editor and writer focused on relationships, science and pop culture. His work has been featured on Fox, Huffington Post and more.