11 Brutal Truths About Loving An Assertive Woman (As Told By One)

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Love With An Assertive Girl

So you've met a loud and spunky woman and you've fallen in love with her, have you? Or perhaps you want to fall for her but she intimidates you. Here's what you need to know about loving an assertive woman.

1. She can't help but draw attention to herself.

Even when I'm just mellow, I seem to call attention to myself. Actually, I don't notice that anyone is paying attention to me, but old partners of mine have pointed out: "Hey, people are (looking, reacting, etc.) at you." Assertive women own the space they walk in, and if they're loud or spunky to boot — even if they're just saying hi — someone might notice. It's not necessarily intentional.

When I step onto a train or head into a Starbucks I don't consider it a defining moment to "work the runway." Nope, I'm just your average short girl who is moving forward with her day, but I do smile a lot and move at a rapid pace. The smile alone is enough to garner attention in this humdrum world.

Your loud and assertive babe will draw attention by her energy, and not necessarily because she wants the spotlight. If you don't like it, guess whose problem that is? Your own insecure self's problem and not hers. Be glad she's someone who genuinely sparks a positive response from other people.

2. She can command the stage.

If a loud and sassy lady does want to command a situation, she will... and very easily. People like her, yet people are also taken aback by her at times because she's female and assertive — something society says a woman should most certainly not be.

You might find yourself feeling a little "small" or threatened by her ability to work the crowd, but you shouldn't. Instead, you should be glad your woman is confident enough to do what she needs to without hanging on your arm like a little wallflower. If you can't help but feel uncomfortable when she's working the room, that's a shame because a man should want a strong woman.

3. She chooses you, but she doesn't need you.

An assertive woman can find company anywhere she goes, so if she's chosen to spend time with you, she wants you, she just doesn't need you. There's a big difference between needing and wanting someone's company.

4. She's tired of people thinking she's scary.

We, the union of loud, spunky, assertive women, are tired of being deemed "scary" by men. We are tired of guys walking away with their tails between their legs. We know that we are living in a man's world to some extent, and it sucks to be considering frightening instead of just ourselves.

We know that if we were a more docile creature we would have men and partners licking out of our hands perhaps, but apparently, we have signs on our backs that say, "Beware of Woman: Talk at Your Own Risk."

5. She will always tell you the truth.

A loud and assertive woman will always be honest with you. When you're loving an assertive woman, you won't have to worry about her holding back how she feels or pulling a few lies on you. She's not one to hold back how she feels and if she does try to tell a white lie or something to save someone's feelings, she's pretty terrible at it.

6. She enjoys being the leader, but she can also share the role.

Just because you're in love with the Boss Lady doesn't mean she wants you to sit back and do her bidding. Not at all. In fact, she likes when her man can lead and take over. For me, it is especially exciting when a man can be assertive in the bedroom. I'll just leave that right there.

7. She's not all show tunes and showdowns 24/7.

Your lass may be an assertive little fireball, but she's not always like that. Sometimes, your woman wants to take a seat, quiet down, or shun the "scene," yet people have a hard time with her taking the backseat because they've grown to expect the showgirl to show up.

Cut her a break and love her even when she's not quite herself, and don't expect her to be the entertainment every time you two are out at a social gathering. It can be taxing to have that type of pressure when she sometimes just wants to sit back and let someone else take the reins.

Men who love the sassy ladies? Be sure to take charge. She'll appreciate this and it will give her a little break when she needs her off time.

8. She is capable of being quiet.

I remember befriending a man who turned to me once and said, "Wow, you can be pretty quiet and serious. Hmm." I'm capable of sitting and reading a very large book by myself in peace and quiet with no one around.

I'm capable of putting on the serious face and staying solemn when I have to. I'm not a circus and I don't always want to talk. Some days, I'm just quiet and that's okay. Loud and assertive women don't always want to chit-chat with you, and no, it doesn't mean we're angry at you.

9. Silence is typically a bad thing.

If we've grown mum, distant, or aloof over a period of time and not just for the day or two, your assertive babe is most certainly upset, and possibly angry at you. While your woman would normally tell you directly how she feels, when our feelings are hurt we just want to walk away rather than pour our bold, honest, emotional heart out.

10. She will root for you.

Your sassy little sidekick will be your biggest, most audible and genuine supporter. When you fall down, she won't BS you about your mistakes, but she will be the right there before you even ask to help you back up. When you accomplish something, she'll be the first one to clap. There is no one more passionate or loyal than a loud, assertive woman.

11. She has a good heart.

Behind the chutzpah and bold exterior lies a very passionate and sensitive heart that wants to be loved and is tired of being misunderstood. Don't assume your bold and assertive woman is made of steel. She wants to be held just as much as your sweet girl-next-door.

If you choose to fall for a loud and assertive woman, you are in for the best (but slightly wild) ride of your life. And once she's yours, she's yours for good.

Check out the video below for tips on how to be a more assertive person:


Laura will work for chocolate. The former MTV personality and Columbia University graduate is currently writing about divorce, sex, women’s issues, fitness, parenting, marriage and more for YourTango, New York Times, DivorceForce, Women’s Health, Working Mother, Pop Sugar, and more. Her own website is