Getting Divorced? Stop Worrying You're A Failure, You're NOT [VIDEO]

One of the most painful side effects of getting a divorce is the nagging worry that you're a failure.  That somehow because your relationship failed, that you, yourself are also a failure.  It's time to let these useless feelings go.

Let's be real. No one ever gets married thinking they'll get a divorce. In fact, most of us walk down the aisle believing that our marriage will last forever. Unfortunately for many marriages, this just isn't the case.

It's normal when something that was once so good, turns so bad, to question what happened.  Question like: "How did this happen?" "What could I have done to prevent this?" "Was it my fault" or "How can I make sure this never happens again?" run through people's mind like they are co-pilots in a NASCAR race.  The questions come fast and furious and the answers are fleeting. 

So when you find it impossible to quiet your mind, the one thing you have to remember is time will bring you answers.  But dwelling on the fear that somehow this is all your fault or that in some way YOU are a failure is a waste of time.  We are here to tell you the truth: yes, your marriage may have ended, but YOU are not a failure.  

If you're stuck on the hamster wheel thinking over and over again that it is all your fault, it's time to bring in the advice from the Experts for a reality check.

We asked authors John Gray and Charles J. Orlando, Relationship Help Doctor Rhoberta Shaler, Shannon Rios Paulsen LMFT, and Jennifer Maddox LCSW to weigh in on how someone can recover from their divorce without feeling defeated.

Their thoughts may surprise you.  At the very least, they will make you think about why you're focused so strongly on being the "bad guy" in your story.

The brutal truth is that a part of you may always wonder what went wrong. But instead of self-loathing, it's time to take a deep look at the situation. Can you honestly say that your relationship was healthy and fulfilling? If your answer is a resounding no, you have nothing to feel ashamed about. The real issue lies in figuring out how you can move on without being weighed down by your divorce.

Sometimes, divorces happen so the wrong people can move out of your life to make room so the RIGHT person can move in.  This was John Gray's own experience.  In the video he shares that, "Every failure is a learning experience. I've been married for thirty years and I feel my wife is my soul mate and I will stay with her until I die. And then I was married before and I still love my ex wife. She's a lovely person but we weren't soul mates."

Instead of self-loathing and obsessing over how you got here, it's truly important that you empower yourself to move on. Don't just focus on the fact that you're getting a divorce; analyze pivotal moments in your marriage where you felt disconnected to your partner and remember your ending is happening for a reason.

If after watching you're still feeling stuck or in pain, reach out the panelists for help.  The links above will help you to learn more about them so you can take the steps you need and get on with your life.

Remember, the RIGHT person is out there.  You just have to clear the clutter from the old relationship so you can make room for the new one.  It's time to take charge and stop letting a false feeling of being a failure stop you from finding the real love of your life.