Don't wallow in seasonal affective disorder this year; wallow in your winter boyfriend instead.
By Tom Miller — Written on Jan 30, 2015
Maybe we can blame Grease and maybe we can blame Vitamin D deficiencies but Summer Lovin' has really wormed its way into America's heart in a way that it doesn't deserve. Sand in the bed, the rattle of an overworked A/C unit, the taste of sunscreen and the ubiquity of whatever pop hit we've anointed the song of the summer far outweighs tank tops and tan tummies. Yup, winter is the season for pleasin' (not to mention squeezin') and you are just a winter boyfriend away from enjoying it.
What's a winter boyfriend, you may ask? Well, a winter boyfriend is a lot of things but more than anything he's warm. He's probably goofy. He's a sweet, gentle fella who maybe doesn't mind chatting about you over a warm cup of something or other. While moral and emotional warmth are pretty important, the winter boyfriend is physical warm and here's why you need one ASAP:
1. He radiates heat like a furnace.
Irrespective of his body hair or body type* situation, a good winter boyfriend oozes nighttime heat. Instead of spending all of your hard earned dough on quilts, just back that thing up onto your winter boyfriend and bask in his luxurious warmth.
2. He's an all-star cuddlebug.
Winter boyfriends invented the idea that you get warmer faster by stripping out of your clothes and cuddling. It's our second greatest coup after coming up with the idea of the lumbersexual. Body heat has saved many victim of literal thin ice. Let it save you from your wintertime blues. The winter boyfriend may also be a Norse sex god sent from Asgard to please one lucky lady but he's an inveterate cuddlebug. You're welcome.
3. He will never judge you for lounging in sweatpants (because he's doing the same thing.)
The winter boyfriend isn't lazy per se but he's more than happy to stay in sweat pants (not that he may need specific pants to sweat) from get home time on a Friday to go to work time on Monday morning. If you're interests include cooking at home, watching a movie on the couch, doing classically adult stuff and then sleeping in until brunch, he may be the guy for you.
4. He looks hella-handsome in a turtleneck.
A winter boyfriend looks good in a sweater and isn't afraid to wear a tie with a cardigan or try his hand at a tactical turtleneck. He owns at least one good coat that won't embarrass you. He has a minimum of one stocking cap or skully or toboggan that does not feature a team's logo. The winter boyfriend (and his possibly ruddy cheeks) look good in fall and winter colors without the threat of being washed out by hues that a Miami DJ may think of as "a little on the loud side." Unless he's an aviator or artiste, he may find scarves a tad frivolous but you can't win em all.
5. He brings a good attitude to any latitude.
Sure, he'd prefer to hit the slopes of Aspen than the sands of St. Thomas over a long weekend but the winter boyfriend is pliable … especially after the Super Bowl has wrapped up. The winter boyfriend judges the quality of any given year in proportion to the number of times he's been in a hot tub. That's just as easy to accomplish in the tropics as in the snow. He may even keep his trunks on this year.
6. He probably has a beard.
This is not a wife covering homosexual activity. This is an honest-to-goodness Ron Swanson covering his jaw and kisser. Outside of hunting direwolves barehanded, there's nothing more manly than a great beard. Manliness equates to testosterone and testosterone equates to "sorry for keeping you awake, neighbors!"
So, don't wallow in seasonal affective disorder this year, get a winter boyfriend and wallow in him instead. But like any seasonal fling, you'll have to find something more than hot toddies and even hotter snuggling if you want this thing to last much past Easter.
*It should be noted that many winter boyfriends resemble what is traditionally known in the gay community as bears.
**A toboggan is actually a sled; don't let people tell you otherwise.