Oh, Marriage. The 7 Funniest Things My Husband's Ever Said To Me

Please don't tell my husband how funny he is. He would enjoy it too much.


My husband is a pretty funny guy, but he's funny in an unexpected, odd way. His funniest moments are when he's not trying to be funny at all. Here are a few of his most recent gems:

1. Sixth Sense

“Your breath smells bad. It’s like you ate Shitflakes by Smellogg’s.”

2. Advertising Genius

“You know that law firm that advertises it represents only men in divorces?  They’re one step away from just saying ‘bitches be crazy.'”


3. Alcohol Connoisseur

Lisa: “You’re a pussy when it comes to drinks.”
Matt: “Yeah. I’ve never claimed otherwise.”

4. Fashionista

“That vest looks like it’s denim and leather combined. Like a cow f*cked a pair of jeans.”

5. Food Critic

Matt: “This makes every other bruschetta before this taste like dog shit.“
Lisa: “I’m concerned you know what dog shit tastes like.”
Matt: “I had a life before you.”

6. Dr. Diagnosis

“If your immune system was something we bought, I would return it even without the receipt. It’s a lemon.”

7. Wino


“I drank an entire bottle of wine last night and was at the gym at 7 am this morning. Hashtag beast.”