10 Signs You're Pushing 40 And Don't Give An EFF

It all gets better with age.


I'm getting old. I hate to admit it, but it's true. Looking back, the signs were there. I just didn't want to see them. The cashier at Trader Joe's stopped carding me and started calling me ma'am. The handsome 20-something guy didn't rush to open the door for me anymore. He didn't even notice my existence. But recently I've realized something when it comes to getting older: I. Don't. Care.

I just don't give an eff. Yes, I'm older. My back hurts when I sit on bleachers too long, which is why I don't go to sporting events anymore. (That, and beer is cheaper at my house and the view is much better on the TV screen.)


I could go on and on about all the ways I've realized I'm old and I just don't care, but I'll spare you the rambling and just put it in an easy-to-read list. After all, lists are easier on the eyes and don't require my bifocals to read.

1. I can't wait to leave a wedding reception. In my younger years, I'd stay until the last drink was served and would then arrange the after-party. But now? I can't wait for the cake because not only is wedding cake TOTALLY SCRUMPTIOUS, but it means I've stayed the allotted amount of time required and I can take off those uncomfortable heels and go home. After all, I have to take my nighttime medications and I hate that "young" music those kids listen to now.


2. Speaking of shoes, I now wear comfortable ones. Gone are the days of wearing 5-inch heels because they look cute. Do you know what else looks cute? My face when I'm not wincing in pain and cursing my shoes. These days, it's all about a nice pair of flats with comfortable insoles. They go nicely with my polyester pants suit.

3. I find Fitz on Scandal attractive ... and he's 54. What else can I say about this?

4. I drink top shelf liquor, and I don't care that it costs more. I don't want or need a hangover. And the cheap stuff is for warriors—there's just no need to be a hero anymore.

5. I get excited to plant petunias every spring ... and I actually know what petunias are.


6. I wear pantyhose with dresses. What am I? A heathen?

7. I've started to notice that the oldies radio station frequently plays songs that make me yell, "This is my jam!"

8. I will gladly pay for valet, so I don't have to walk across the parking lot. My feet hurt. Please see #2.

9. The last two books I read were non-fiction, and I loved them.

10. I wear a hat at the pool for sun protection ... and it's not a cute cowboy hat that provides no sun protection but looks cute with my suit. I’m talking about a serious sun hat.

Do any of these sound like you? Do you realize you're getting old? I hope so. I could really use someone to complain to about how fast these teenagers are driving through my neighborhood.