Self, Sex

Oh, God: The 9 Extremely Awkward Stages Of Drunk Sex

drunk sex

Who doesn't love a good night out on the town? Well, unless you're me and your "night on the town" consists of running to the gas station to get milk and Twinkies in between episodes of "Luther." But I digress. I remember quite vividly my days of partying and getting my drink on, which usually led to getting my freak on. You know the nights I'm talking about...when the drinks start flowing and shortly afterward, so do those <ahem> other juices. (Yep, I went there.)

Now that I'm an old woman, should I have the opportunity to hit up a bar, I'm usually fairly sober, which means that I often get to see, first-hand, the stages of drunk sex begin right before my very eyes. (Lucky me!) And because I've been on both sides of the inebriated sides of drunken sex, I've deemed myself absolutely qualified to break down the sloppy stages of drunk sex as outlined in GIFs. Don't be ashamed; it happens to the best of us. Bottoms up!


Stage : Identify the lucky guy and start making eyes at him to let him know you're interested. Give him a few winks, thinking you look sexy but you don't. Trust us, you really don't.

Stage : After waiting an appropriate amount of time (5 minutes) give him the "signal" that it's time to leave the bar all the while trying not to attract attention but making it blatantly obvious.

Step : Make out awkwardly in the cab home, unaware that the cab driver is enjoying it a little more than he should.

Stage : Casually go to the bathroom once you're home so you can remove your Spanx without him noticing.

Stage : Try to look sexy without being obvious. Fail miserably. Erroneously think your "duck face" makes you look more attractive in this pre-bang moment.

Stage : Clumsily do the deed and hope for the best. Try not to fall asleep halfway through. Be pretty sure you succeeded. (You didn't.)

Stage : Pass the eff out. Drool and all.

Stage : Wake up wondering where your pants are and why you're sleeping sideways on the bed. Wonder who the brunette is sleeping next to you as you SWORE the dude you went home with was blonde.

Stage : Grab your stuff and hightail it the hell out of there. Forget your earrings but realize they're gone forever as there's no way you're returning to that sex den of awkwardness.