My Vibrator Was NOT Good For My Marriage

As someone who writes about sex and love for a living, I have heard a lot of advice on how to keep the passion alive over the years. One of the first things almost every sex expert will say is that you should continue to masturbate. It seems counter-intuitive, right?

If you are pleasing yourself, why would you need someone else? Au contraire, they say. In this case, it's more about the feelings masturbation conjures. If you have a little pleasure, so they say, you will want more.

I say: It's hooey.

Why? Because the fact is, when you satisfy yourself, you ARE satisfied. Full stop. This is a lesson I learned the hard way.

Nothing Wrong With It

Now, don't get me wrong. Masturbation is a healthy activity for women. It teaches us how to find our own pleasure and ALL women should have a vibrator (or 10) in their nightstand. But, there's also something to be said for the old adage, "Good things come to those who wait." And yes, that pun was intended. Times 1,000. Because they do.

I know this first hand (oh the puns, they are too easy!) as I gave up the use of my vibrator for a couple months and the results have been astounding. At first, it happened by accident. We just became so insanely busy and I was never alone. The only times I even felt any sexual urges were when I was actually in the presence of my husband. So I started saving up my mojo.

And what a difference it made.

Quality Over Quantity

Even though at first we didn't increase in frequency, we DID increase in quality. Before I was probably dealing with "my own business" once a day or more. When I stopped, the QUALITY of our encounters went up about 100 fold.

Instead of being pretty much satisfied and going through the motions to get him off, I found myself wanting VERY much to get my own. That made him more excited and the cycle continued.

Plus my grand finales were 300 times better when I'd skipped self-service that day than they had been before when I hadn't.

My husband noticed, too. "How about you don't do anything for yourself tonight," he'd tell me before leaving for work. "Wait for me."

And so I did. Things got better and better. After 30 years of knowing what I like and how to get it quickly, it's quite a revelation that waiting has its benefits and that sex with someone else, even when the outcome is the same, really IS that much better. The finish is more intense, more passionate, BETTER.

I am never going to stop using my vibrating friends, but I will give the timing more thought.

How long until I see my husband again? Is he just downstairs? Can I entice him up to the bedroom to help me take care of business? If so, maybe intimacy is what we need more than just a quick fix.

The fact is, we moms are all busy and our heads are a million places at once. It makes perfect sense that we would want the quickest way to get off and get it done.

But quick is not always best and even when every sex expert says more masturbation equals more sexual thoughts and more sex in general, we also know our time is limited and finite and we are exhausted anyway. If we are spending our mojo on our own satisfaction, then we aren't spending it where it most matters.

If you have unlimited leisure time and plenty of sleep, maybe you can both masturbate AND enjoy a healthy love life a deux. But me? I'll be forgoing my table of one whenever I can. It might be a longer wait, but the food is so much better.

Do you masturbate more than you have sex with your spouse?

This article was originally published at The Stir. Reprinted with permission from the author.