What Your Breakfast Says About Your Intimacy Style — Really!
Bacon with eggs? You dirty dog.
BLACKDAY/ Shutterstock We see you late to work, dripping cheese from your greasy egg sandwich on your latest brief. We're spying on you over brunch, devouring a stack of pancakes like you haven't eaten in days. We salute you, lady poking at a solitary half of grapefruit. We see you and we judge you. We can't help it.
What you're eating in the morning says an awful lot about what kind of sex you had the night before. And maybe it's not accurate, but it sure as hell is part of a complete breakfast. Let's not forget that it's the most important meal of the day.
So think back to this morning. What did you eat for breakfast? It may have some implications about the sex you had last night.
Here is what you had for breakfast and what it says about your intimacy style:
1. Yogurt
Sex with someone you're falling in love with but haven't told yet.
2. French toast
Raunchy, painful sex with candle wax and handcuffs (your neighbors really hate you).
3. Fruit Loops
Sex with your baby daddy.
4. Scrambled eggs
Adequate, run-of-the-mill in-and-out thirty-minute start-to-finish doing of the deed sex.
5. Eggs over easy
Sex with the first person who hit on you at the bar last night.
6. Poached eggs
Sex with someone twice your age.
7. Hard-boiled eggs
Sex with someone you hate.
8. Huevos Rancheros
Sex with someone you think you understand, but who's only using you to understand himself.
9. Oatmeal
You bought lingerie, had your hair blown out, and lit some candles and he didn't even notice.
10. Cheese omelet
You tried a new position and even though it was kind of hot, you ended up pulling a muscle and had to stop to ice your thigh.
11. Buttered roll
Sex in front of a big mirror.
12. Croissant
Sex in front of a video camera.
13. Cheerios
You and your best guy friend got drunk and had that kind of friends-with-benefits sex you tend to fall into every year or so when you're both single and bored.
14. Egg sandwich
Sh*t-faced sex.
15. Plain toast
Coked-up sex.
16. Banana
He was poorly endowed, and you were sorely disappointed.
17. Eggs Benedict
Passionate, mind-blowing, three-hour-long, oh-my-god-screaming sex.
18. Pancakes
Butt sex.
19. Granola
You forgot to wax. So what? You turned the lights off and went about your hairy way.
20. Half a grapefruit
Sex with someone who was skinnier than you'll ever be.
21. Corned beef hash
Queef-inducing sex.
22. Waffles
You had sex with your eyes closed so you could pretend you were sleeping with someone else.
23. Parfait
Foot fetish sex.
24. Egg McMuffin
Secret love affair sex.
25. Black coffee
Just a quickie.
26. Iced coffee
Just a quickie ... in the shower.
27. Orange juice
You were a victim of your own performance anxiety. Chalk this one up to nerves.
28. Donut
Sex with someone whose name you've already forgotten
29. Smoothie
Sex to get ahead in your career
30. Bagel with cream cheese
The kind of really bad sex where you can't wait to turn the lights off so you can roll your eyes during it.
31. Bran flakes
Missionary position the entire time.
32. The morning-after pill
Regrettable sex.
The Gloss aimed to bring style and substance together to its readers, along with blending fashion, beauty, and feminism with a smart, offbeat wit.
