What Your Breakfast Says About What Kind Of Sex You Had Last Night

*bow-chika-bow-bow* We're onto you!

We see you late to work, dripping cheese from your greasy egg sandwich on your latest brief. We're spying on you over brunch, devouring a stack of pancakes like you haven't eaten in days. We salute you, lady poking at a solitary half of grapefruit. We see you and we judge you. We can't help it.

What you're eating in the morning says an awful lot about what kind of sex you had the night before. And maybe it's not accurate, but it sure as hell is part of a complete breakfast. Let's not forget that it's the most important meal of the day.

So think back to this morning. What did you eat for breakfast? It may have some implications about the sex you had last night.

1. Yogurt: Sex with someone you're falling in love with but haven't told yet

2. French toast: Raunchy, painful sex with candle wax and handcuffs (your neighbors really hate you)

3. Fruit Loops: Sex with your baby daddy

4. Scrambled eggs: Adequate, run of the mill in-and-out thirty minute start-to-finish doing of the deed sex

5. Eggs over easy: Sex with the first person who hit on you at the bar last night

6. Poached eggs: Sex with someone twice your age

7. Hard-boiled eggs: Sex with someone you hate

8. Huevos Rancheros: Sex with someone you think you understand, but who's only using you to understand himself

9. Oatmeal: You bought lingerie, had your hair blown out, and lit some candles and he didn't even notice.

10. Cheese omelet: You tried a new position and even though it was kind of hot, you ended up pulling a muscle and had to stop to ice your thigh.

11. Buttered roll: Sex in front of a big mirror

12. Croissant: Sex in front of a video camera

13. Cheerios: You and your best guy friend got drunk and had that kind of friends with benefits sex you tend to fall into every year or so when you're both single and bored.

14. Egg sandwich: Shit faced sex

15. Plain toast: Coked-up sex

16. Banana: He was poorly endowed, and you were sorely disappointed.

17. Eggs Benedict: Passionate, mind-blowing, three-hour long, oh-my-god screaming sex

18. Pancakes: Butt sex

19. Granola: You forgot to wax. So what? You turned the lights off and went about your hairy way.

20. Half a grapefruit: Sex with someone who was skinnier than you'll ever be

21. Corned beef hash: Queef-inducing sex

22. Waffles: You had sex with your eyes closed so you could pretend you were f*cking someone else.

23. Parfait: Foot fetish sex

24. Egg McMuffin: Secret love affair sex

25. Black coffee: Just a quickie

26. Iced coffee: Just a quickie ... in the shower

27. Orange juice: You were a victim of your own performance anxiety. Chalk this one up to nerves.

28. Donut: Sex with someone who's name you've already forgotten

29. Smoothie: Sex to get ahead in your career

30. Bagel with cream cheese: The kind of really bad sex where you can't wait to turn the lights off so you can roll your eyes during it.

31. Bran flakes: Missionary position the entire time

32. The morning after pill: Regrettable sex

This article was originally published at The Gloss. Reprinted with permission from the author.