Penis Socks. Discuss.

man with a sock

I've traveled up and down the coasts of this fair nation and I've heard two primary complaints regarding the male reproductive member. From men I've heard, "My dong just gets too cold, if you know what I'm saying," and from women I've heard, "That thing could be substantially cuter, if you know what I'm saying." I know EXACTLY what both of you are saying. Enter the penis sock.

Guess what? You can give that penis a turtleneck even if he's circumcised. Our friends at The Frisky report that so-called c**k socks, the creation of one Radmila Kus, can keep a man's frank and, in some cases, beans warm and adorable in even the coolest Croatian winters. Crank warmers, of various adorable patterns, are made from a number of materials including, but not limited to, wool yarn. Per The Frisky, a number of these wiener wigwams can be had for under $20 on Etsy.

By virtue of vajazzling becoming a, um, thing, I'm glad that men have a chance to pretty-up their parts too. BUT, there is one problem with these schlong sleeves, and it comes to us via the classic case of Growers Vs. Showers. My guess is that a c**k sock is most effective when it's snug, like a regular f**t sock. While the sock's raison d'etre is to keep things warm and thus prevent the scourge of shrinkage, tumescence can result in a two-fold (or more) increase in length and girth. This could end up in the kind of injury we haven't seen since people used male chastity belts to make us hate our boners. A particularly impressive erection could, conceivably, shred the sock like Bruce Banner turning into the Hulk. But what if you use a too-big sock keeping turgidity in mind, and you have a comical kid-wearing-his-dad's-suit situation that will provide much more humiliation than warmth? There's a reason the Red Hot Chili Peppers never made that leap to iconic band...

In conclusion, c**k socks, like communism, look great in theory but really fall prey to a lot of human short-comings when the rubber meets the road (or the cotton meets the flesh).

For a photo gallery of penis socks, please check out The Frisky: 14 C**k Socks To Dress Up Any Penis