10 Sex Tapes We Never Want To See

These celebs can keep their naughty bits to themselves, thanks.

Holly Madison, Hugh Hefner and Bridget Marquardt
Holly Madison, Hugh Hefner and Bridget Marquardt. Photo: Axelle/Bauer-Griffin.

It seems like a new celebrity sex tape surfaces every few months or so. Celebs must know by now that if they make a sex tape, it will end up going public, right? It's like an unwritten rule. So, this begs the question, "Why do celebs continue to tape their trysts?" Is it smart PR strategy or just plain stupidity? 6 Infamous Celebrity Sex Tape Stars


On the heels of recent news that sex tapes featuring Heidi Montag and Fantasia Barrino could soon be for sale, we've put together a list of the sex tapes we never want to see...whether they be real, rumored or just disgusting figments of our imagination.

1. Anything Speidi-related - These two famewhoring freaks make our skin crawl when they're fully clothed, so we really don't want to see them bare it all. Although one can never believe anything that comes out of Spencer Pratt's mouth, he's recently claimed to have a tape of him having sex with soon-to-be ex-wife Heidi Montag, in which she "makes Kim Kardashian look like an amateur." (Um, unless she's now a full-time porn star, Kim IS an amateur. But anyway...) As part of a "Speidi Porn Collection" that he's trying to sell to Vivid Entertainment, Spencer also allegedly has a girl-on-girl tape featuring Heidi and Playboy playmate Karissa Shannon. Karissa doesn't explain it all; she just confirms that the tape exists but doesn't know if Spencer has it.


2. Montana Fishburne - Ugh. We feel so awful for dad Laurence Fishburne that his daughter took the low road to fame. Apparently, she doesn't realize that a sex tape is only successful when its subject doesn't want it to be released...or is at least really good at pretending she doesn't want it released. Laurence Fishburne's Daughter To Release Porno

3. Hugh Hefner and anyone - The 84-year-old lothario recently admitted to his latest flame, Crystal Harris, 24, that he's made several sex tapes over the years of some of the more than 2,000 women he's slept with. Maybe the 8mm ones from back in the day wouldn't be too bad, but we certainly don't want to see anything from the '70s on. Luckily, the tapes may never surface as Crystal says that Hugh claimed to have "had them all dumped in the ocean years ago." Wow. Guess we can add the environment to the list of things he's screwed.

4. Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood - There haven't been any rumors of a Manson-Wood sex tape, and we're glad of that. But usually when a couple breaks up, as they have recently done again, the dirty laundry starts to air out. We're hoping this isn't the case with these two, because we can only imagine their sex tape looking like the creepiest and/or worst episode of True Blood ever. Evan Rachel Wood & Marilyn Manson Call It Off

5. Betty White and Allen Ludden - Not too long ago, a rumor surfaced (and quickly disappeared) about dirty pictures found in Betty's old home of her having some fun with her now-deceased husband. Although the pics are from Betty's younger days, we still have no interest. And we certainly wouldn't want to see a tape. Although we're sure that Betty was one hot mama back in the day, seeing her in a sex tape would just be too much like walking in on grandma doing the nasty. Betty White In Sex Photo Scandal?


6. Dustin Diamond's threesome - We don't even want to watch Screech on Saved By The Bell reruns, let alone watch him do disgusting things (including the infamous Dirty Sanchez) to two girls. But at least the girls weren't Kelly Kapowski and Jessie Spano.

7. Sandra Bullock and Jesse James - Rumors of a Sandy/Jesse sex tape hit amid the tabloid frenzy that followed their breakup and subsequent divorce. Allegedly, the tape featured some pretty filthy stuff (including Screech's friend, Dirty Sanchez) all performed by Jesse while wearing a fake Hitler mustache and Nazi hat. We don't believe for one second that this tape exists and, if it did, well, we would just be softly sobbing in a corner somewhere.

8. Snooki Polizzi - Jersey Shore's Snooki has admitted to taping a few of her encounters with random meatheads, but she claims that she doesn't ever want them to go public. Neither do we. Any part of Snooki that's not orange just needs to stay covered.

9. Jon Gosselin and anyone - Much like Spencer Pratt, a fully clothed Jon Gosselin is enough to make us hurl. And last year's rumor that someone paid a random woman to have sex with Jon on camera (when he wasn't snorting coke) made us wonder if there was enough Pepto Bismol in the world to make that image go away. So far, no tape has surfaced, so we're guessing (and thanking the Lord) that it doesn't exist. Jon Gosselin Has A Sex Tape And A Drug Habit


10. Verne Troyer and Ranae Shrider - Sadly, this one does exist. And come on, do we really need to explain why we never want to see it?? Verne Troyer Sex Tape