20 Craziest Joan Rivers Quotes About Love & Sex

No she didn't. Oh yes she did.

Joan Rivers.

Joan Rivers is set to appear on Jimmy Fallon tonight and boy are we excited! The fashion police host who was previously "banned from The Tonight Show forever" was unbanished by the show's sixth host, Jimmy Fallon. In preparation for the shenanigans that is bound to unfold tonight, we decided to take a look back at 20 of her craziest love quotes, everything from love to sex. Brace yourselves! Don't say we didn't warn you. 


On being single:

  • "I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: 'Last Girl Before Freeway.'"
  • "A girl, you're 30 years old, you're not married—you're an old maid. A man, he's 90 years old, he's not married—he's a catch."
  • "A man can sleep around, no questions asked. But if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she's a tramp."

On marriage:

  • "Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name."
  • "Every woman in this room tonight: Think like a second wife. You grab and you take. You grab and you take. And when you die, whatever you got out of him you have buried on you. If the next bitch wants it, make her dig for it."
  • "When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now...once he opened the car door for me in the last four years—we were on the freeway at the time."

On gay marriage:

  • "Gay marriage—I am so against it because all my gay friends are out. And if they get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts."

On love:

  • "My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there stinks."
  • "Don't talk to me about Valentine's Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass!"

On sex:

  • "I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds."
  • "My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark."
  • "I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack."
  • "My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."
  • "The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life."
  • "I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid."
  • "She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees."
  • "It was a Jewish porno film… one minute of sex and nine minutes of guilt."
  • "My vagina is like Newark. Men know it's there but they don't want to visit."

On fake orgasms:

  • "It's common courtesy. He's doing most of the work, you've got to encourage him."

On dating:

  • "I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner, he looked up and me and went, 'You're not my wife!' Another guy DIED during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder—what would he tip? Another guy said, 'I want you to meet my family,' and took me to the cemetery."

If you're searching for the best quotes and memes to share with the people you love (or just want to feel inspired yourself) ... look no further! From the sweetest love quotesinspirational sayings, and hilarious relationship truths, we've got you covered.