Cyber-Stalking: The Worst Way To Date Someone

You ever hear that Eminem song "Stan"? At the end he says something like, "I seen this one shit on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick. Some dude was drunk and drove his car over a bridge. And had his girlfriend in the trunk, and she was pregnant with his kid. And in the car they found a tape, but they didnt say who it was to. Come to think about, his name was… it was you. Damn!"

Anywhom, I seen this crazy sh*t on the news the other day from the Amsterdam Times Union (just outside of the New York capital of New York City Albany). Evidently, a fellow was somewhat hung up on his ex-girlfriend and made with the stalky-stalky. Dude (supposedly) gained access to her accounts and (allegedly) used her activity to keep tabs on her (purported) whereabouts. Old fellow was (reportedly) arrested and had several (so-called) firearms and (presumed) computers confiscated. He awaits trial on ratcheted-down improper use of a computer and stalking charges.

This, using confidential information to follow someone's every move, is frowned upon, legally, and, if I may get on my soapbox, really lame. (Irrespective of this guy's (hypothetical) guilt, there are clearly people out there who miss some of the finer points of being a decent human being.)

Sorry, usually I don't resort to such harsh language, but this whole thing has got me more miffed than an asylum full of Philadelphia Eagles fans hopped up on PCP (with pants full of hornets and a long tails in a room full of rocking chairs). I understand that there's a certain weird pull that makes you want to keep tabs on someone that you used to bone, especially after they drop you like an engineering major second semester freshman year.  But stalking is  really only good for making people think you're a creep. And it's a pretty decent way to get arrested (not as good of a way as punching a police horse, however). It is not a good way to get over someone. And it is among the top five worst ways to get someone back (the top being whatever the plot of the Mark Wahlberg - Reese Witherspoon vehicle, Fear, was).

So, for realsie, put down the binoculars, de-friend that Facebook account, throw away any stuff she (he) left over, get some Prozac (or cognac), find a high-quality porn site and get over that ish. If absolutely necessary, hook up with someone who sort of resembles that person (if you squint, at any rate) and get on with your own life. Repeat until you get the desired effect.

Check out this old New York Times article about the underreporting of stalking. It seems like some people that you wouldn't describe as "crazy pants McGillicuddies" are getting into that ship (and it is not the "just friends" ship). Seriously, take a deep breath, guy, and cool out. Honestly, you know who you are… cool out.

Cool… out.