lost life


I really wanted to have a love that cared for me and was supportive of my goals as I was of hers.  I guess that was wishful thinking.  Never happened.  I have had four marriages only the first did we really remain friends all these years.  The others, well i felt that i got to be an bulwark against her parents so she could join the army.  That was one where my counselor was blathering about "inner beauty" and I got taken.  I was her enabler to lose the weight so she could do what she really wanted.  I was very inexperienced socially having spent my high school years buried in books.  In those days being multi-racial was not accepted in the small town where I went to school.  I am sure you are wondering why I did not go for "colored girls"  that was because my interest level was low and I can't stand the feel of their hair.  That's the way I am. 
    After high school came jr college then the university where i went to parties and had fun and even made friends.  I met my first wife and she was one of the few really pretty girls although we did not date as such.
But,I felt a lack of something.  And got a divorce. Emotionally, I did not feel like I had what my heart wanted.
    I became very ill and moved to San Francisco for a summer  which was not a wise move for my health.
I moved to the dryer air of Boulder Colorado.  I did make some aquaintences but no connection.  Or I just did not have the social skills to make one.  I did make a on again off again girl friend but was not ready for all the baggage.  I needed a girlfriend,a lover,a companion and she was not it.  By this time I was forming a criteria of what traits I wanted in a girlfriend.  Finding one that matched was not high on my list of priorities.  Jobs came and went with no direction except writing. I went to whatever job would pay my rent.

        At community college I met my 2nd wife,The one who used me to ward off her parents and join the army.  I really did not like them and they did not like me my judgement of them was the puppy she lefe with them became a frightened dog so sad that I saw just what they really were.    I divorced her primarily because while she was away she was having unprotected sex and I did not want to get stuck with a kid that was not mine. 
       Then the years of famine. I took whatever job I could get to pay the rent.  I worked at an art company in LA only to get laid off in the fall.  I returned to Denver worked 3 jobs and entered school in economics and business.  Then transferred to a four year college where exhaustion caught up with me along with wife number 3.  I guess that failed because we never laid out a plan.  I was working my way in retail and she was working we had it ok.  But her bad temper and constant criticism  wore on me.  Then she decided out of the blue to return to school with out any planning what so ever!  That hurt as I appeared to me she did not really care.  Her secret agenda did not take me into account and it went downhill fast. 
    After that,my relationships were more like FWB as none really worked.  I had good roommates but that really was all they were.  I guess we came into each other's lives at the wrong time.  Or it just would not have worked as I wanted to get back to a different lifestyle.  I could have used some emotional support as wounded as I felt.   One of my acquaintances who was a fine person with very low sex drive had turned lesbian.  But would bring her lover over when that woman wanted "a man".  I liked them, liked the sex, but not attractive to my eyes. 
     The last was one where I thought i was getting what i needed and wanted but was fooled again.  The real person came out when after marriage she had no interest but making money at to worst place restaurants!!  She made a stink about me going to the dentist because my crown would cost $500.00!
Later I had Dental soft tissue abscess which needed immediate care.  All she thought of was the money and she told me she did not like sex and her behavior before was fake.  That was #4  I would just like a good lover for a while. Now that seems impossible as I have been out of work for over a year and am about to become homeless. 

    I have tried internet dating and have come away with a very bad taste.  When you read the Eula one finds in the paragraphs wording to the effect that their employees will contact you (posing as an attractive prospect)  So you waste your money in a fake potential that never comes to fruition.  Ther it is an out line of a frustrated life.