Photo: Johan Larson | Shutterstock
She didn’t know him at all
By Christine Schoenwald — Written on Jan 20, 2023
The unknown sender’s email changed Charlotte’s life forever.
While reading it, she was horrified to learn her righteous and moral husband, Irv, wasn’t just cheating on her, he was on a sex quest.
If it was one woman or one time, that would have been different. Instead, Irv was hooking up with as many women as he could, sometimes doing two or three per night.
Was Irv a f***boi?
Good question.
Since he was well over twenty-five and not hot, that makes him more of a womanizer than a man-whore.
On the other hand, Irv might be considered a player if he was honest about his conquests, or a ladies’ man if he was charming, flirtatious, and had some style.
Alas, he was none of those things.
Whatever the label, Irv was a sexual narcissist.
Sexual narcissists tend to be serial cheaters, and are only concerned with their own sexual gratification. And like Irv, sexual narcissists don’t care who they hurt in the process
If asked on the rare occasion when he was in a truth-telling mood, Irv said he had needs that weren’t being fulfilled.
Sad face.
However, a whole harem wouldn’t be able to satisfy Irv’s needs.
Irv was likable because he didn’t appear to be emotionally dangerous. He was nerdy, bookish, and tragically un-hip.
One look would convince anyone he wasn’t suave enough to be a heartbreaker.
The surprising truth about womanizers is, they usually aren’t the hottest or the best-looking guys. They just know how to lie well, and Irv lies like a mockingbird pretending to be helpful.
Charlotte went through the grieving process quickly.
Here are the 5 stages of realizing your man is a sexual narcissist:
Stage 1: Denial
When Charlotte found out the truth, she felt like a character in a novel — nothing seemed real to her or relevant to her life.
She’d experienced womanizers before Irv and was careful about getting involved with someone too handsome or too slick. She could spot a narcissist from ten feet away, but not when they shared each other’s streaming accounts.
She couldn’t believe the man who spent so much of their time together whining and complaining about being the victim in his own life was having as much sex as a professional baller.
For a brief moment, Charlotte felt sorry for all the women he’d cheated on her with. Then realizing the stupidity of it all, laughed so hard tears were coming out of her eyes and dripping into her morning Kombucha.
Stage 2: Anger
Irv made Charlotte feel as if her presence in his life was vital. As if he was doing a cleanse and she was his water.
Now she understands, she may have been the water, but he was always the sh*t.
Charlotte felt rage upon learning the truth, but her anger wasn’t with Irv. How had she let herself be conned by a below-average-looking man who lacked charm, and charisma?
Irv had promised he’d never hurt her and that her heart was safe with him.
Without remorse, Charlotte took Irv’s beloved collection of vintage lunch boxes and Star Trek memorabilia and donated them to a nearby daycare center.
Stage 3: Bargaining
Charlotte went through the “If he promises to change and stay faithful, maybe we can save our marriage,” stage to “I can do better.”
She decided since he was a womanizing he-hag, he’d have to pay, and she hired a ruthless divorce lawyer.
No bargaining was needed, not even for the legal fees.
Stage 4: Depression
Using her feelings of bitterness, frustration, and sadness as fuel, Charlotte staged a social-media war against her soon-to-be former husband.
She wrote long, detailed posts about his infidelity on social media, deleted him from all her accounts, and did hilarious TikToks about him which went viral.
Charlotte enlisted all her friends to write terrible reviews of Irv and his Podiatry practice.
No one wanted to get their bunions looked at by Irv after Charlotte was done.
Stage 5: Acceptance
Charlotte accepted that her husband was an a-hole and that she didn’t know him at all. His actions, while hurtful to her, had little to do with her, but more to do with his overwhelming feelings of inadequacy.
She knew in her heart that the only way you can win with a womanizer is to move on.
Irv found his soul mate with a female version of himself. They met on a hookup site while both were married to other people, and pledged their love to one another.
Get out your stopwatches to see which one of them cheats first.
My money is on Irv’s new love. He needs to be the one cheated on so he can learn the lesson of betrayal.
Charlotte went through all the stages of grief, mourned the loss of her innocence in regard to her relationship with Irv, and emerged stronger, wiser, and with a new fully-working bullshit detector.
As for the sender of the email detailing all of Irv’s infidelities, his sister has no regrets about blowing up Irv and Charlotte’s marriage and exposing Irv for the cheating narcissist he was.
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Christine Schoenwald is a writer and performer. She's had articles in The Los Angeles Times, Salon, Bustle, Medium, and Woman's Day.
This article was originally published at Medium. Reprinted with permission from the author.