Sex

Why So Many Men Marry People They're Not Sexually Compatible With

Photo: Svitlana Sokolova / Shutterstock.com
Happy couple having fun

Have you seen a show on Netflix called Sex Life? A suburban mother attempts to settle for a life of stability and comfort after years of wild, passionate craziness.

Can you relate?

You are wild, you are passionate, you have wild kinky fun — and maybe you do things you don’t want your mother to know about.

But then you get to a certain part of your life and you feel the need to get it out of your system and settle down with someone nice. Someone who doesn't go to nightclubs, dresses modestly, and doesn't have more than one drink. 

The girl from church wasn’t appealing last year, though. So, why do we suddenly think that’s who we should settle down with?

RELATED: 3 Counter-Intuitive Ways To Enjoy Sex More

Why stop following your passion?

Why do you think it’s a phase? What’s wrong with incorporating that into your life? Why do we feel we can’t have love, family, and stability without eliminating the kinky passion we once lived for?

In my years as a love coach, I have encountered many men who were unable to settle down and slept with multiple women in a week. Yet they got to a point in which they felt it was time to settle down and then instead of choosing a female similar to the ones they are attracted to they seek out a completely different type.

Two years later they are cheating and unhappy.

I understand the logic for some. The definition of insanity is someone who dates the same type of person over and over again expecting different results. Someone who is good for fun might not be good for a long-term relationship.

But to go in the complete opposite direction of what excites you is a recipe for disaster.

RELATED: 6 Ways To Help A Woman Feel Safe During Sex

There is a middle ground

You're not alone in this extreme way of thinking. If you're a man tired of holding your date's hair while she vomits at 3 a.m., there are just as many women who are tired of needing a hair holder. That doesn't mean you need to start meeting your dates at a book club.

You can find people that share in your way of thinking. They're ready to settle down and want to share their life with their best friend.

Be honest with yourself and your potential partners. 

It's ideal to enter a relationship in which you motivate each other to be better. It's not realistic to expect yourself to suddenly be a different person.

Honor where you came from while keeping an eye on where you're going.

If you love nightclubs there is nothing wrong with getting a babysitter once in a while and dancing the night away with your partner.

RELATED: 47 Essential Pieces Of Advice For Couples Who Want To Have A Healthy Relationship

Plenty of us want the comfort and safety of a long-term relationship while still wanting to hold onto the excitement of our youth.

Relationships can maintain their passion through effort. Sometimes all it takes is trying new things together, leaving your comfort zone, and communicating your desires and fears. 

Try new things — together

Perhaps you've already committed to someone and your sexual desires aren't fully met. There is a remedy for that! 

One of my favorite suggestions for couples is to write a list of things you would like to try together. Perhaps it is a sexual list, perhaps it isn't.

Try to come up with at least 10 each and have them approved by your partner. Write each one on a little piece of paper and put them in a jar. 

Why get them approved? Because you can't decide to have a threesome or go skydiving with an unwilling participant. 

Once every week or once every other week close your eyes and grab one from the jar. Routine can be comforting but it can also lead to boredom. We have a need for certainty but we also have a need for the excitement and adrenaline rush of uncertainty. 

RELATED: Why There's Absolutely Nothing Wrong With Not Wanting To Have Sex

Erika Jordan is an internationally acclaimed love and relationship expert, author, and media personality, and a leader in the field of digital romance and online dating. She is creator of the Art Of Pickup course. For more information, visit her website.

Sign up for YourTango's free newsletter!