Woman Rejects Boyfriend’s Christmas Gift As Weaponized Incompetence — ‘He Chose A Cheap Version Of The Thing I Wanted’
She made gifting easy for him — but he seemed to ignore her advice.
Fizkes / Shutterstock; Brett Sayles / CanvaPro; Kajakiki / CanvaPro Gift-giving is not easy, but Christmas wishlists certainly help ease the stress of finding “the perfect gift.” So one girlfriend provided her boyfriend Ben with her wishlist, complete with the link to a suncatcher on Amazon that she really wanted.
Although she made it as easy as possible for her boyfriend, she was disappointed to see her actual Christmas gift come in the mail. Not only was it something completely different, and cheaper, than what she asked for, but it seemed like Ben didn’t put much effort or thought into picking it for her.
So, she took to Reddit to ask others online if she was being ridiculous or if she was rightfully frustrated about his “weaponized incompetence.”
This woman blamed ‘weaponized incompetence’ after her partner got her a ‘thoughtless’ Christmas gift.
The problem wasn't that Ben got her a different or cheaper gift, but that the gift seemed to lack thought or care.
The woman sent her boyfriend links to "some really pretty and elegant hanging crystal and gold suncatchers" on Amazon and Etsy — all of which were under $40. However, while he was out of the house, some Amazon packages were delivered and the woman got a disappointing sneak peek at her gift.
“What he got me was a square stained glass window hanging of a hummingbird that frankly looks very cheap,” she shared. “I’m upset that not only do I have no interest in birds, so I don’t understand the choice of hummingbird, but I had shown him exactly what I wanted and he instead chose a cheap version of something that is not at all what I wanted.”
“It feels like this would be a gift you get for a coworker or distant family member, not your girlfriend of five years,” she continued. “Something that he got just because he had to get me something for Christmas as a courtesy and not because there was thought and care behind it.”
Whether it's conscious or not, in a relationship that’s supposed to be built on trust and collaboration, weaponized incompetence can put a strain on partnerships. Weaponized incompetence is a toxic behavior when one partner passively avoids or poorly communicates a task to pass responsibility onto the other person. It can be used to “avoid accountability, provide distractions, maintain power, manipulate others, and lower expectations.”
If your partner is using phrases like “you do it better than I do” or “I don’t know the best way to do that,” it could be a sign they’re faking incompetence to pass off chores and tasks to you.
Luckily, the woman shared a positive update on Reddit.
“As I was advised to do by some of y’all, I pointed out that he had a package with his name on it,” she shared.
The packaging obviously showed what was inside, and she asked her boyfriend who the gift was for. In response, he offered to let her have the gift early since she already saw it. He then asked if she really liked it.
“I told him it wasn’t what I was expecting because of the pictures I had sent him; however, I said again I still think it’s really pretty and tried to move on from it because I felt bad,” she shared.
Her boyfriend apologized, offering to make it up to her. “He said he was sorry, that he thought it was what I wanted,” the woman wrote. “He insisted on making it right, he said he’s going to return it and immediately went on Amazon and got another one after he showed it to me.”
In the end, open communication, as this couple demonstrated, is usually the best move.
Communication is vital in any healthy relationship. Without it, incorrect assumptions that hurt the relationship are inevitable.
Had this woman not brought up her issue to her boyfriend, then she would have been silently upset, and her partner would have no idea why — and no opportunity to fix his mistake. Since she communicated her concern, her boyfriend was able to get her a more appropriate gift that showed how much he loved and cared for her.
“He said he was glad I told him and he would rather me not lie to him about liking the gift because I deserve to be treated well,” she shared.
Not all relationship problems are as easily solved, and repeated weaponized incompetence is a real issue.
Although this woman's problem was solved through an honest conversation, repeated weaponized incompetence signifies a bigger issue that may not be as swiftly resolved.
Many women on TikTok advise partners of people leveraging weaponized incompetence to simply leave the relationship.
One lawyer on TikTok reminded partners to not settle when they recognize “weaponized incompetence” during the holiday season — telling them it will only continue to seep into other areas of their lives.
“If your husband did not get you a Christmas present and ‘weaponized incompetence’ to get out of it — divorce him!” she said in her video.
While some people call it “selfish,” others say it’s something closer to “protecting your peace.” If your partner isn’t recognizing your worth, find someone who goes above and beyond for you.
Yes, holidays can be stressful — but your partner should be there to not only support you but to celebrate you.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a news and entertainment writer at YourTango focusing on pop culture and human interest stories.