3 Honest Reasons Social Media Can Be Especially Brutal After A Breakup
And how to use it mindfully when your heart is broken.
LeoPatrizi / Getty Images Signature via Canva According to Nielsen data, adult Americans spend an average of 25 hours a week using some form of media. On these platforms, we are inundated with celebrity updates, breaking news, and personal messages — including information about our exes.
When going through a breakup, navigating social media interaction with an ex can be very challenging. Why is it so hard? There are at least three main reasons.
3 Reasons Social Media Can Be Brutal After A Breakup
1. You have continued access to information about your ex and what they are doing with their life.
If your ex was a large part of your life, you will probably be bombarded by information about him or her on some of your social media sites, whether you want it or not.
You may still be friends with them online. Or you may have unfriended them, but they may be friends of friends — so their social life is still in your face.
The problem with this continuous flow of information is that, for most people, breaking up requires some space.
We need time away from our exes to start creating a “new normal” that does not include them. In doing so, most of us benefit greatly by not having contact.
Social media connections make this challenging.
2. The reactions you have because of this continued access can be toxic.
When you learn about your ex through social media, you will likely react. How? You may want to check up on him or her; try to get back together; become fixated on what they are doing or who they are dating; or feel extreme anger and irritation about the situation.
The problem with reacting to information about your ex is that it is generally unpleasant — and who wants to feel upset about a person from whom you are trying to detach?
It is not only uncomfortable, but it can leave you feeling powerless and challenged because you are at the mercy of outside information.
3. It makes it way too easy to engage with your ex when you probably need a break.
Social media platforms allow you to continue engaging with your ex, but this may not be in your best interest.
Everything from angry exchanges to desperate attempts at reconciliation can occur on public (or semi-public) platforms.
It goes without saying, but it is far healthier to have meaningful exchanges in a private, more confidential way.
The Right Steps To Take On Social Media After A Breakup
Given these realities, should you try to stay friends with your ex? Is it smart to use social media after a breakup? Should you unfriend your ex? The answers depend on you, your specific situation, and the makeup of your online social network.
That said, if you are struggling through a breakup and fixated on your ex, staying actively engaged in the relationship through social media will make it harder to move forward.
A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself if having information about your ex influences your quality of life.
If hearing about him or her is painful or traumatic, it is probably in your best interest to unfriend them. This does not need to be done disrespectfully — this is about taking care of yourself.
If you need to limit contact, do so. If you need to stay off a given site for a while, do so. The goal is to help yourself move forward in healthy ways, while still having interaction with the world at large.
How long should you limit contact? Until you find yourself not so reactive.
This is also a great time to join social media outlets that can offer you support. For example, Exaholics.com is an anonymous recovery program for anyone going through a breakup.
Through such support networks, you will find a community of people in similar situations trying to do the same things you are doing. That can really help through the tough times.
What's most important after a breakup is that you stay connected to people and groups that support you. Don’t allow yourself to engage with an ex if it makes you feel bad.
If you sense yourself becoming obsessive or hyper-fixated, try limiting the amount of time you spend thinking about your ex, and focus on yourself instead.
Every breakup — even the ugliest — offers you the opportunity to understand yourself more deeply. And that may require that you unfriend your ex.
Cortney Warren, Ph.D., ABPP, is a clinical psychologist and adjunct professor of psychiatry at the University of Nevada Las Vegas (UNLV). She is also the author of Letting Go of Your Ex and Lies We Tell Ourselves.