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Narcissists are a victim of their own illness.
By Ossiana Tepfenhart — Last updated on Apr 20, 2023
Recently, one of my closest friends dumped a narcissist, and he was prepared for it.
Much like he did with his other exes, he went around to everyone and said his own "version" of what happened. He conveniently left out all the abuse, the fact that he had sexually assaulted my friend, and the fact that he cheated on her.
However, unlike his past relationships, people actually witnessed what he did to her. His mask fell off, and with it, we both learned what happens when people realize a "good guy" is actually an abusive narcissist.
This is what eventually happens to narcissists when people realize who they are.
1. People who saw what happened start avoiding the narcissist.
My friend's ex really showed his true face when he was at a party with her. He began berating her, treating her like chattel, and even hitting on other people in front of her.
All of his friends had to leave the party because they were so uncomfortable and shocked by his behavior. This was also the moment when my friend left him.
2. The narcissist decides to do damage control.
This started with him blaming me and her other friends for the breakup. Anything that he could have said to stretch the truth was said, and he even enlisted people who weren't "in the know" to help him date others on the down low.
It seemed like the narcissist would have won, but...
3. The people who actually witnessed it all, as well as the victims, set the record straight.
This is where damage control really backfired. Others who actually saw things go down actually stepped up to say what happened.
Once that mask falls, you can't pick it back up. The more on blast the narcissist is, the worse the blowback will be.
4. The narcissist starts to panic now that his narcissistic supply is failing.
This is what is referred to as "narcissistic collapse," and is something that typically occurs when "a narcissistic person doesn’t receive the external validation they believe they deserve," according to PsychCentral.
In the case where everyone realizes that they're a narcissistic abuser and the victims cut contact, their ability to get the approval, praise, and control they crave crumbles. When this happens, an intense, emotional outburst is soon to follow.
5. The narcissist gets desperate.
Praise and control act like the supply for someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) — they're things that fuel them and continue to aid in their behavior.
What we saw happen was a desperate grab for attention, approval, and praise. Her ex basically had a meltdown and was begging people to say that they still liked him.
6. The desperation makes people uncomfortable, and even newer people shuffle away.
It's really, really cringe-worthy to watch a narcissist that's low on supply. Narcissists are never happy people per se, but they sure are downright miserable by this point.
According to Dr. Alexander Lapa, a psychiatrist at Ocean Recovery Centre in Blackpool, United Kingdom, the narcissist's façade of confidence and superiority collapses when they aren't able to receive validation.
7. Despite all this, the narcissist will see himself or herself as the victim.
This is the point where he'll begin to wail about how he was wronged for not getting what he wants. They can't see their behavior as bad because it's always a "special case" with them.
According to research, this is referred to as "narcissistic rage." The narcissist will lash out at others and behave vindictively, reacting with violent actions or words.
8. The narcissist may also begin to panic about their fading looks.
My friend's ex reached his mid-30s, and for people who eat, sleep, and breathe nightlife, that's old. He's gaining wrinkles and losing hair, and since he was known for being a pretty boy, he's really not feeling good about this all.
It really hasn't helped out the "youthful façade" he keeps trying to project, and this results in lower levels of narcissistic behavior.
9. In extreme forms, the narcissist may end up being a total outcast.
This is what is happening to my friend's ex, and it's slowly getting to the point where any social presence he has is coming to a close.
It's hard to want to be around someone who you know has seriously hurt friends of yours, and that's exactly what's been happening to him. Word spreads, and eventually, the truth will come out.
The same study above showed that this reduced level of narcissism that came as a result of the collapse will eventually lead to mental health struggles, including loneliness.
10. From what we've heard from others, it seems like most narcissists end up angry, bitter, and alone.
When other people realize who narcissists are, the narcissistic charm that oh-so-easily won their friends over becomes less effective. They get left by those closest to them, resulting in the terms mentioned above, and ultimately landing them in places of loneliness.
What happens to a narcissist in the end?
Studies show that narcissists don't win in the end. Older narcissists, especially, struggle with the consequences of their actions as people learn who they are.
The increase in emotional intelligence from others surrounding the person with NPD results in them separating themselves, leaving the narcissist to suffer the consequences alone.
Do narcissists get worse as they age?
Aging narcissists have a reduced level of narcissism as they continue to grow older, but that may not be a good thing for them. The damage has usually already been done, and research shows that suicide rates for these affected groups increase with growing age.
If you're dealing with an aging narcissist, it's important to remember that NPD is a mental illness and that, when dealing with them, you should remain compassionate and learn to let go of grudges, while also setting up clear boundaries so you are capable of handling them rationally.
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Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer based out of Red Bank, New Jersey whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others. Follow her on Twitter for more.