3 Rare Skills That Make You A Better Listener Than Most Other People Who Can't Put Their Phone Down
In a world full of noise, the best listeners know how to stop and truly listen.
Levi Stute | Unsplash Who doesn't want to be easy to love? After all, for many people, the goal in life is to find love and to live happily ever after. On top of that, we want to be loved by our friends and our family and respected by those around us.
To that end, we try many things. We try to do things for people, we try to give people gifts, we try to take care of them when they're not feeling good, and we try to do things we know would make us feel good and loved. And all those things are great!
But there is a tiny psychological trick people who are easy to love use every day. What do easy-to-love people do differently? They listen. It's not rare to listen, but it is rare to listen so that people feel truly heard. To listen in a way that grows trust and connection.
Knowing how to truly listen is a learned skill. For many of us, we think we're good listeners, but we aren't as good as we could be. The number one key to being a good listener is to listen to the person talking to you and not to think of what you want to say to them while they are still talking. Many people do this and therefore don't hear what someone is trying to say.
Here are three rare skills that make you a better listener than most other people who can't put their phone down:
1. Listen without trying to change or fix
Another thing people do, especially men, when listening to a woman, is try to fix them. Instead of listening to and empathizing with them, they listen to them and then try to offer solutions for fixing them. Women, especially, want to be empathized with as opposed to fixed.
I always suggest to my male clients that when they talk to a girlfriend, to listen to what she has to say. Tell them you understand how they're feeling, and ask if they want help to fix something. Girlfriends are always much more accepting of this after being empathized with and often welcome the advice after the fact.
Research indicates that listening without the intent to immediately offer solutions or advice makes for a better listener because it fosters deeper understanding, strengthens relationships, and promotes a sense of safety. When a speaker feels truly heard, they may be more likely to engage in self-reflection and explore their own thoughts and feelings more deeply.
2. Listen without multitasking
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It is also important that when someone is trying to talk to you, you give them your full attention. Don't putter around the kitchen while your person is trying to talk to you. Stop what you're doing, sit down across from them, look them in the eye, and truly listen.
Don't interrupt them with your comments. Don't bring your agenda into their issues. Just sit down across from them and listen. Make them feel heard.
Multitasking divides cognitive resources, limiting the brain's ability to fully process and encode auditory information. A 2018 study found that when listening without distractions, the brain can allocate more resources to comprehension and remembering what's being said.
3. Listen and then clarify
Finally, if you don't understand what someone is saying, definitely ask for clarification. There's nothing worse than getting a response from someone who has nothing to do with what you were trying to say. If there's any doubt in your mind about what was said, or if you just want to be sure you understand, repeat what they said before you respond.
All of these recommendations can work in every kind of relationship in your life. With your friend, with your coworker, with your sister, with the hopeful love of your life.
Clarification empowers listeners to move beyond simply hearing words to truly grasping the meaning behind the message, leading to more meaningful and effective communication. A 2022 study suggested that feeling truly heard and understood by a listener builds trust and strengthens relationships.
Knowing how to listen to someone, to make them feel heard, is a small and subtle way to be the kind of person who is easy to love. You can do it!
Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC-based Certified Life Coach who works with individuals who strive to heal their toxic relationships so they can have their happily ever after. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, Psych Central, among many others.
