Trial Attorney Shares 3 Effective Ways To Respond When Someone Tells You To Calm Down

After all, no one in the history of calming down ever calmed down because they were told to calm down.

man telling woman to calm down DimaBerlin / Shutterstock

You're in the middle of an argument when someone drops the infamous line, "You just need to calm down."

Glaring at them, you might feel tempted to snap back our cuss them out. After all, telling someone to calm down when they're trying to express themselves is pretty rude.

But, if you want to stay in control of your emotions and the situation, you might need to shift your mindset a little bit.

So, here are three things you can say to someone when they tell you to calm down, according to trial attorney Jefferson Fisher.


3 Effective Ways To Respond When Someone Tells You To Calm Down

1. "Did you mean calm ... or did you mean quiet?"

woman wondering if man wants her to be calm or quiet BearFotos / Shutterstock


When someone tells you to relax that's not always what they mean. Likely, they might try to say this as a way to silence your complaints.

After all, it's disrespectful to tell someone to shut up right to their face, and most people don't want to come off as insensitive. This is why they'll tell you to calm down instead.

"And what you'll find is the people who care about you want you to calm and the people who don't just want you quiet," says Fisher.

If someone you consider close is telling you to be quiet, it might be time to rethink if that person is worth having a relationship with.

RELATED: New Dad Tells His Wife To 'Calm Down' When She 'Snapped' On His Mom For The Dangerous Way She Fed Their Newborn


2. "No."

If you're looking to put someone in their place then sometimes a simple no can go a long way. After all, most people don't expect to hear that response.

By saying, "No," you allow yourself to have power and control over the situation.

@revolutionof1 We must recognize our limitations, acknowledge that we’re not always at our best, and embrace the significance of personal boundaries.It’s not a rejection; it’s an act of love and respect—for yourself and for others.#boundariesmatter #selfawareness #growthjourney #settingboundaries #boundaries #selfawarenessjourney #breakfastclub ♬ original sound - Revolution of One

"If you need phrases to support that," Fisher adds, "you can try, 'My feelings aren't for your comfort.' Or, 'I get to decide how calm I'll be.'"


The idea here isn't to say no for the words sake. Rather, it's to make sure that your opinions and complaints will not be silenced.

RELATED: 7 Harsh Reasons Your Wife Finds It Difficult To "Calm Down"

3. "For me ... or for you?"

Someone telling you to relax has nothing to do with you and has everything to do with them. This is why you need to check where their interests are and find out the real reason they want you to calm down.

Fisher suggests asking, "Calm down for you to make you feel better, or calm down for me?" If the person hesitates, he explains, then you know their request is for their own comfort and not for yours.

It can drive anyway up a wall when someone tells you to calm down. It's not just rude, it's invalidating.


So, instead of getting angry or defensive the next time someone tries to silence you, try using these three tips instead.

RELATED: How To Reclaim Your Voice When You Feel Silenced

Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.