The Trait People With Good Manners Usually Have That Has Nothing To Do With Etiquette
Rodrigo Rodrigues | Unsplash A self-described 'philosophy guy' named Julian de Medeiros has built a following based on breaking down the meaning behind quotes from various classical authors and philosophers. He makes heady intellectual ideas accessible to people on the social media platform, sharing what he sees as resonant phrases from deep thinkers.
In a world that values virtue-signaling, good manners seem to be more about upholding social norms and maintaining a positive social perception of the self rather than being focused on caring about other people. A study actually explored how the actions most people consider to be generous are done to be polite rather than from a genuine desire to better the lives of others.
In reality, cutting people slack is one of the clearest signs of good manners because it shows you understand that we're all just trying our best. People with truly good manners don't rush to embarrass other people or turn small mistakes into character assassinations.
The one trait people with good manners have that isn't about etiquette: they give grace to others
He referenced a quote from Russian playwright Anton Chekhov
The quote from Chekov says, “Good manners aren’t about never spilling on the tablecloth; instead, good manners are about pretending not to notice when other people do.”
The original quote from Chekhov is worded slightly differently: “A good upbringing means not that you won’t spill sauce on the tablecloth, but that you won’t notice it when someone else does.” Yet the sentiment remains the same: having good manners isn’t about being perfect, but about conducting yourself with grace when confronted with other people’s imperfections.
Chekhov’s grace is to quietly keep going in the chaos and treat others with kindness without needing a reason, even in a world that doesn't often feel kind. If someone makes a mess, Chekhov might advise helping them quietly clean it up without pointing out the mistake they already know was made.
Having empathy and displaying kindness towards other people's mistakes is really what it means to be well-mannered
As de Medeiros noted, a person shouldn’t hold themselves as superior over others because of their sense of etiquette. He shared that “being rude is simply the weak man’s idea of strength.”
In some ways, it’s easier to be cruel than to be kind. True kindness takes self-reflection. It requires a person to put themselves in someone else’s shoes and imagine the world from a different perspective, which isn’t an act that necessarily comes naturally.
Yet in keeping with de Medeiros’ interpretation of Chekhov’s thought process, “To be well mannered is to be compassionate and understanding when confronted with other people’s imperfections.”
In a letter Chekhov wrote to his brother, Nikolay Chekhov, in March 1886, he offered examples of other traits of kind and "civilized" people, including being respectful and honest. He also shared his belief that civilized people "respect human beings as individuals and are therefore always tolerant, gentle, courteous and amenable."
Chekhov emphasized common kindness and empathy as a marker of someone with good manners
According to this mindset, having good manners has nothing to do with knowing which fork to use at a fancy dinner table. Rather, it has to do with not calling someone out if they use the wrong fork, and welcoming others for exactly who they are.
Being well-mannered is about maintaining a modicum of kindness. Chekhov emphasized the importance of having compassion for all people, not just the people most in need of it, for we never know what someone else is going through.
The value of extending empathy to everyone can't really be overstated. Cultivating a practice of generosity and understanding allows us to feel grounded in who we are, and research has shown it also allows us to value people for who they are, not who we expect them to be.
Having good manners isn't about being perfect at all times. It’s about recognizing that no one is perfect, and giving people grace when they make mistakes. The reality is that everyone messes up, despite our best intentions, and making someone feel comfortable in making mistakes is a sign of being kind to the core and extending that kindness to other people.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis, and all things to do with the entertainment industry.
