3 Toxic Thoughts To Let Go Of If You Want To Run Your Life Instead Of Just Reacting To It
Knape | Canva If you're like most people, there are times when emotions feel more intense than usual. Especially feelings such as fear, sadness, and shock. During difficult periods, the intensity of your feelings may be more than you're used to handling. You're not alone. Everyone experiences times when emotions run high, ut some of these emotions turn into toxic thoughts that become overwhelming.
Your strong emotions, plus others' strong emotions, can create a huge cluster of overwhelm. Add to this the fact that feelings — especially "negative" ones — can be contagious. If you're going through a particularly stressful period, facing loss, or dealing with major life changes, the intensity can feel gigantic. It's a lot to manage, along with feeling vulnerable on top of everything else.
Life brings adversity. We all face challenges, setbacks, crises, and difficult circumstances at various points. What if these difficult times are truly opportunities for resilience and strengthening ourselves? How adversity impacts you will vary depending on your circumstances and your perspective.
Human beings have a tendency to make life harder than it needs to be. Let's face it. Major life challenges create real hardships — financially, personally, socially, occupationally, educationally, and relationally. When a crisis hits, it can feel like every area of life is affected.
Here are 3 toxic thoughts to let go of if you want to run your life instead of just reacting to it:
1. Blaming yourself for things that aren't your fault
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This refers to believing that things are your fault, even though they are not. Personalization in action looks like blaming yourself, feeling guilty, or beating yourself up. Examples of personalization include feeling responsible when something goes wrong that was largely outside your control, or obsessing about small mistakes you made that you've blown way out of proportion.
You beat yourself up replaying scenarios in your head, convinced everything is your fault, even though you have no real reason to believe that's true. Instead of self-blame, shame, and guilt, try talking about the ways you have been affected by the difficult situation. Voicing the personal impact it has had on you will help strengthen your resilience.
Maybe you talk with your partner, family, friends, community, or a professional. Whether the impact has been overwhelmingly negative or has some positive aspects, talking about your experiences will help you feel less alone and guilty.
Research has found that people who blame themselves for everything have way less resilience because constantly internalizing problems makes it nearly impossible to bounce back. When you recognize that external factors contribute to situations instead of just beating yourself up, you build way more self-esteem and recover faster from setbacks.
2. Believing things will never get better
Permanence is believing that things are never going to get better, as if whatever hardships are going on will last forever. This can certainly feel true when you are in the thick of it. But just because it feels a certain way doesn't mean it is true.
A version of this is believing the crisis you're facing will never, ever end. You may not know exactly when or how things will improve, but change is inevitable. Nothing lasts forever. Instead of convincing yourself that your life will never get better, build resilience by helping other people. Put forth your best self and brighten the day of friends, family, or your community.
Helping others will help you feel better. A kind gesture, like checking in on someone who's struggling, can go a long way in their life and your own. Acts of kindness are often paid forward. And the ripple effect is a beautiful thing. Right before your eyes, life just feels better.
Research showed that people who believe their troubles will last forever tend to collapse under pressure way longer because they've convinced themselves nothing will change. When you can recognize that difficult situations are temporary rather than permanent, you bounce back faster because you understand that 'this too shall pass.'
3. Expecting disappointment everywhere
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This refers to the tendency to believe that everything in life is miserable. The reality is that not everything is horrible. At the risk of sounding like Pollyanna, I bet you can identify some pretty good things even in the midst of the not-so-good. Maybe supportive relationships are on the "pretty good" list. Or a safe place to live. Or access to resources that make your life easier.
Instead of telling yourself that "everything sucks," build resilience to the hardships of life by deliberately noticing what you're grateful for in the here and now. There is so much to be grateful for, including many things you might take for granted during easier times.
Research found that when people assume one negative situation has infected every area of their life, they struggle way more than those who can see that some parts are still going okay. Pervasiveness is basically a thinking trap where you let one bad thing convince you everything is terrible, when actually most areas of your life aren't even affected by the challenge you're currently facing.
For example, maybe you're grateful for a kind word from a friend, or for your own inner strength in getting through the day. Perhaps you're grateful for small comforts or simple pleasures that bring moments of peace. Maybe it's the sunset you noticed, or finally having time to read that book, or a good conversation with someone you care about. When adversity occurs, resilience is especially important.
The good news is that resilience is a skill that can be strengthened. It is not static, as if you have it or you don't. You can deliberately respond to life's harshness in a way that is resilient, which will then make it easier to naturally apply resilience to subsequent difficulties. Resilience really is like a muscle. It strengthens the more you use it. Use the Three P's as a way to identify what to do to strengthen resilience.
Resilience is a life skill to help you to bounce back from the inevitable pain life has in store for all of us. The road to resilience can be strengthened throughout your life. You can influence the extent to which your resilience changes for the better. Whenever adversity strikes — whether it's personal, communal, or global — it's an opportunity to build resilience, both individually and collectively.
Dr. Elayne Daniels, NHSP, RYT, is a renowned psychologist and professional speaker on the topics of body image and mental health. She has been a featured guest on local radio, television programs, and a variety of blogs.
