The #1 Predictor Of A Successful Man, According To A Harvard Professor Who's Been Studying This Forever
Shipman Northcut | Unsplash Whenever I write about the male loneliness epidemic (which, at this point, is roughly once a week), I always get comments that exclusively blame the mothers:
“I can’t believe that women still raise their sons this way.”
“Daddy issues: a failed mom who divorced [her kids’] father, prevented [them] from spending time with him, and let her [kids] be raised without limits set by a male figure.”
“Part of the issue is that women raised these broken men. It is hard to hate on men too much without arriving at the realization we need to carefully examine our child-rearing practices."
I agree. We do need to carefully examine our child-rearing practices — but this is not 1955. The idea that child-rearing falls exclusively on a woman is outdated, lazy, and (put simply) lies. It takes two to tango, and by “tango,” I mean “fertilize an egg and raise a successful, capable, emotionally intelligent child.”
Yet according to an expert, one parent does influence children more — and it’s not the parent who usually gets blamed when their kid can’t connect, plays too many video games, or brings a gun to school. Arthur C. Brooks is a bestselling author and Harvard professor who found that kids (especially boys) mimic their father’s behavior significantly more than their mother’s.
For example, if you want your kid to grow up practicing religion, the father should model those habits, not the mother: “There’s a 40 percentage point difference [between] the father and the mother [for] the predictive capacity on how their kids are going to grow up and behave,” Brooks said. He doesn’t state why; maybe it’s because our society still paints men as the ultimate authority, but multiple studies back up Brooks’ findings.
Research shows that boys overwhelmingly look to their fathers to learn who they are, how to regulate their emotions, and what masculinity means. According to another study, not only are boys more likely to imitate their fathers’ behaviors, but they actually “de-identify” from their mothers in adolescence, meaning they may do the opposite of what she does.
Why? Because boys want to learn “how a man should act,” and in our patriarchal culture, men and women are framed as opposites.
Moms get most of the blame, but dads hold most of the influence. As a result, when a boy grows up to be a successful man, it’s likely because his father did something right.
When a boy grows up to be not so great? Well, you get the picture.
So what’s the number-one predictor of a successful man? Being raised by a father who loved his mother.
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On his podcast Modern Wisdom, Chris Williamson interviewed Arthur Brooks about relationships, gender roles, and parenting.
“The number one predictor of a man being successful is seeing his father loving his mother. That’s defined as a dad [who has virtue,] stays home, and is faithful to mom. As a dad, you have one job. Love her. If you want to raise successful kids, especially boys, you have one job: Love his mom.”
That’s right. A successful man was once a boy who grew up in a household where his father loved his mother.
By watching the way his father treats women, a boy either learns kindness, patience, empathy, vulnerability, loyalty, and emotional intelligence — or he learns contempt, entitlement, violence, infidelity, cruelty, and dishonesty. Either way, he mimics those behaviors.
Yet Google “successful man,” and you won’t find this information anywhere. Instead, you’ll find advice about waking up early. Stockpiling wealth. Being tough. Ruling as the “head of your household.” Once you venture into the manosphere, the advice gets even worse: Be tall. Get abs. Earn six figures. Act cocky. Treat women like trash.
Of course, success is subjective, and if it’s power, money, and intimacy you’re after, maybe they’re onto something. But abs don’t teach empathy. A corner office doesn’t model virtue. The fattest bank account can’t teach a boy how to nurture intimacy, build connection, expand his soul, recognize the humanity in others, or find genuine happiness.
In fact, studies show that boys who are taught traditional masculine norms (like toughness, anti-femininity, and an obsession with status) are significantly more likely to struggle with depression and substance abuse.
Our longest study on human happiness, on the other hand, followed 724 men for over 80 years. Researchers found that human connection and healthy marriages were the single biggest indicators of happiness among men. (Yes, way more than money and fame.)
What about boys with no fathers at all?
In parenting, the subject of fatherlessness comes up a lot. Countless studies show a correlation between absent dads and children’s low self-esteem, behavioral problems, attachment issues, and school drop-out rates.
Yet again, women are often the scapegoats:
“Women need to choose better.”
“It’s her fault for divorcing him. She should’ve put her kids first.”
“Mothers should stay married no matter what. A bad dad is better than no dad at all.”
But that’s not necessarily true — especially if boys are predominantly mimicking their fathers’ behaviors.
When boys learn by example, toxic fathers may be infinitely worse than absent ones. While fatherlessness isn’t ideal, women who leave abusive, violent, angry, or substance-addicted men are likely protecting their children from learning and repeating those behaviors.
A list of famous men who were raised by single moms: Tony Robbins, Keanu Reeves, Barack Obama, Jon Stewart, Ryan Gosling, and Samuel L. Jackson.
A list of famous men who did have dads or father figures, but they were emotionally or physically abusive: Donald Trump, Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, Osama bin Laden, Richard Nixon, Joseph Stalin, and Adolf Hitler. Do with this information what you will.
“We think it is misguided to see increased paternal involvement as a universally desirable goal,” wrote Cambridge psychologist Michael Lamb. In other words, depending on who the father is and how he acts, some children are better off fatherless.
My partner was also raised by a single mom. She worked three jobs to put food on the table, made countless sacrifices for her children, and taught her boys empathy and kindness. (She also taught them how to cook a meal and clean a house.) If he’d had a toxic father to mimic, I doubt my partner would’ve turned out half as well. His so-called “feminine” traits are my favorite things about him.
The male loneliness epidemic is not women’s responsibility to fix
Mothers can’t singlehandedly raise their sons any better. Women can’t compensate for a lack of emotional intelligence in men, and wives shouldn’t lower their standards to mother their grown husbands.
Notice how there’s no female loneliness epidemic. That’s because women are largely taking responsibility for their own well-being.
When we’re lonely, we cultivate meaningful friendships. When we can’t find partners to depend on, we buy our own houses and make our own money. When we’re haunted by the trauma we didn’t cause, we’re still getting our behinds to therapy and fixing it.
It’s time men did the same: both when it comes to raising their sons, and when it comes to healing their own inner child. Men need to break these cycles for themselves. And now that a qualified white man is saying it, maybe guys will finally listen.
Maria Cassano is a writer, editor, and journalist whose work has appeared on NBC, Bustle, CNN, The Daily Beast, Food & Wine, and Allure, among others.
