7 Things That Instantly Make Someone A Captivating Conversationalist, According To Psychology
Some people have the innate gift of gab.
Andrii Nekrasov | Canva The ability to be a captivating conversationalist is a gift not many people possess. Research emphasizes that effective conversation is not a fixed talent but a skill that can be developed and enhanced through learning, practice, and a focus on essential components like active listening, empathy, and emotional intelligence.
The more technology progresses, the less human interaction there seems to be, so it's rare to be someone who can speak confidently with anyone. Being able to hold a conversation and attract attention can propel many people in their professional and personal lives.
Here are seven things that instantly make someone a captivating conversationalist, according to psychology:
1. They listen thoughtfully
If you know someone who listens, asks questions relevant to your ideas, and thanks you for sharing your knowledge, you walk away feeling valued and attractive, so that’s the person to imitate. When you listen mindfully, your spouse also feels the tug on their heartstrings.
Hence, if you have neglected this puzzle piece, it is time to un-learn the bad habit that Stephen Covey describes in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
2. They focus on the first three moments of conversation
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The second puzzle piece is in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Here, John Gottman observes couples in disagreement and says the first three minutes of a conversation predict its outcome and the likelihood of a relationship ending in divorce.
The primary example he gives is contempt. Contempt is disguised as concern or humor and said in soft or loud tones, accompanied by confusing body language or phrased as a sarcastic question. Saying, "So you are now the parenting expert?" is a non-starter, while saying, "I would like to be an equal partner in parenting our daughter," opens the door to a successful conversation.
3. They're respectful
The “I” statement in the example above is the third puzzle piece that sidesteps a harsh accusation and communicates respect. It shows esteem, tells your partner you are engaged, and the relationship works.
A 2016 study argues that respectful communication allows individuals to share ideas and concerns openly without fear of negative repercussions. By prioritizing respect in your conversations, you contribute to a more positive and productive communication environment, benefiting both yourself and those you interact with.
4. They let go of the desire to be always right
The one sure death of a couple's communication is long-term defensiveness. It is impossible to address an issue or raise a point with someone who has an excuse, explanation, and defense for everything.
You or your partner might be the right one. But when you let go of that, you can see another perspective, explore another solution, and give each other a chance to be heard. My concern with defensiveness is that it silences any other point of view, and the one on the receiving end stops trying to speak.
5. They put their phones down
Remove distractions, like your phone, that separate you. One person heading east and the other going west is a common occurrence that limits your available time together. Resist the temptation to divide and conquer and share your tasks and activities so you can share your life.
Spending time together and engaging in shared experiences provide valuable opportunities for developing and practicing communication skills, which are essential for being a good conversationalist. Research stresses that these interactions foster deeper connections, enhance understanding, build trust, and ultimately contribute to improved relationships and overall well-being.
6. They're genuine
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There is a risk to the relationship if you expect your partner to have your values, think like you do, or become a version of you. So you measure their worth not as an individual but by how much they contribute to you and are like you. Resist and go beyond tolerating your partners' differences and see them as unique and positive.
7. They have a great sense of humor
A loving relationship includes touch and laughter. So, reach out often and allow your relationship to heal in the most natural setting possible.
Since 2020, fewer people have divorced or gotten married. Many people seem to have become jaded by the heartache of their parents and have experienced some painful events themselves.
Studies show that people who laugh frequently in conversation, even with strangers, make their partners feel more similar to them. This feeling of having something in common is crucial for building a social connection. This suggests laughter can act as a bridge, breaking down barriers and creating a sense of unity.
I believe the lessons divorce stories teach can help you avoid these pitfalls and craft a joyous life. An 80-year Harvard study agrees and reinforces the power of relationships as a positive influence on your health and well-being.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
