11 Things Brilliant Women Can't Stand As They Get Older
It's not just their own shifting values and beliefs, but also society's changing expectations.
True Touch Lifestyle | Shutterstock Considering research, in many different niches and industries, tends to leave out aging women from their target demographics, it's not surprising that they're often left to fend for themselves and cultivate a routine, habits, and relationships that feed them internally.
As a result of toxic societal expectations and double standards, they're often dismissed and invalidated compared to their male counterparts of the same age, which can feel equally motivating and frustrating. Of course, there are a number of other things brilliant women can't stand as they get older, many of which revolve around their collective identity — aging in the face of an overly critical and unjust society.
Here are 11 things brilliant women can't stand as they get older
1. Feeling dismissed
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Feeling dismissed is typically something that everyone can't stand, as it's not a fulfilling, comfortable, or empowering experience to feel unvalued in social interactions and conversations. However, it's one of the things brilliant women can't stand as they get older.
But it's not just because it tends to happen at a great rate in our overly patriarchal society that tends to undervalue older women; rather, it's because they're more socially aware of it. They have the awareness, emotional intelligence, and internal security to acknowledge when they're being gaslit, disrespected, or overlooked in interactions — all things that tend to come with age.
2. Uncomfortable shoes
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Considering many older women are less driven by the "male gaze," societal expectations for their appearance, and seeking external validation by "fitting in," it's not surprising that uncomfortable shoes are also one of the things brilliant women can't stand as they get older.
They likely no longer subscribe to the idea that "beauty is pain," so wearing heels to dinner or uncomfortable small shoes doesn't feel like a requirement. Instead, they will opt for shoes that are comfortable and stylish, not sacrificing their own happiness.
3. The male gaze
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As they get older, women tend to be forcibly removed from the "male gaze" as a result of double standards and toxic societal expectations for women, according to psychology expert and author Gina Frangello, PhD. This metaphorical removal, which is sometimes a relief for many women who have been subjected to inequity, discomfort, and ridicule by men, and other times a disconcerting lack of attention, can be confusing and complex.
It's one of the things — the "male gaze" — that brilliant women can't stand as they get older. It's not just because they're dealing with a complex and complicated removal from it, but because it continues to thrive and feed into double standards, anxiety, and shame young women feel nearly every day.
4. Waiting in lines
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According to MIT professor Richard Larson, many people spend at least a year, if not more, of their lives waiting in lines, which seems absurd and insane, regardless of your patience. Of course, it's one of the things that many older women can't stand, especially if they don't have a distraction or hobby to keep them busy while they're waiting — like a book, emails to respond to, or a phone call from a loved one to keep them busy.
They don't like "wasting time" in their routine and in their lives, so waiting in line without a hobby, conversation, or distraction to fill it can feel aggravating and annoying.
5. Unequal emotional labor
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Coupled with research suggesting women tend to take on the majority of household and childcare labor in their relationships, despite working the same — if not, more — hours than their male partners, according to Pew Research Center, their exhaustion over also carrying the emotional load is profound.
It's one of the things brilliant women can't stand as they get older — being endlessly responsible for mediating conflicts, regulating other people's emotions, and being forced into organizing and protecting everyone's feelings at home.
They're not just tired and burnt out from bearing that burden for years, they're less prone to people-pleasing and trying to "fit in" later in life, keeping them from feeling an obligation to put their own needs aside for the sake of others.
6. Superficial relationships
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According to a study published in Psychology and Aging, people are more likely to shed superficial relationships and connections as they get older because they prefer to keep social circles characterized by social support, depth, emotional intelligence, and meaningful conversation.
Especially as they stop making networking connections in their careers and families for the sake of progress or goals later in life, many people foster healthier and more meaningful connections by default, shrinking their social circles and networks to more personal and intimate connections.
7. Wasting their time
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Wasting time is one of the things brilliant women can't stand as they get older, but that doesn't always mean they're resorting away from trying new things, doing something they're not good at, or being ultra-productive with societally approved "work" — they just adopt a different mindset around their free-time.
Like research shared by ScienceDocs Inc. suggests, older people are more likely to rationalize and be presently intentional with things than younger people, helping them to make the most of unfortunate situations. For example, if they're reading a book they don't like, they don't view it as a waste of time, but a moment to soak up new information about themselves or their interests.
Of course, they don't appreciate wasting time on toxic relationships or unhealthy and unproductive conversations, but they also know the value of learning more about self-soothing and practicing boredom.
8. Feeling pressured to 'fit in'
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While an AARP survey suggests that many women still face external pressures to fit into societal beauty standards, a majority are exhausted by the constant evolution of standards and the trend cycle, to the point where they're more focused on fulfilling their own needs and crafting a life that's comfortable and exciting themselves.
Whether it's their outward appearance, commitment to their career, or some kind of societal relationship expectation, trying to fit in and being pressured to unrealistic standards for "success" are some of the things brilliant women can't stand as they get older.
9. Chasing external validation
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While self-awareness is occasionally built through experience, the reason why people generally stop seeking external validation as they get older is because of their secure identity. They've crafted a more solid and stable internal foundation, meaning they're less likely to look to other people to reassure their wants, needs, and actions.
They not only know who their authentic self is, they have a clear picture of their identity, wants, needs, and goals. They're not trying on new things, looking to other people for constant reassurance, or comparing themselves all the time, in the same way that less secure young people may early in life.
People who constantly chase external validation, especially at the expense of a relationship or their personal well-being, are one of the things brilliant women can't stand as they get older — not because they've evolved from doing it, but because it often sabotages the empowerment and intentionality of interactions, relationships, and conversations.
10. People refusing to take accountability
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Many people with a fragile ego and sleuth of internal insecurities will avoid taking accountability and owning up to their mistakes, according to psychologist Leon F. Seltzer, PhD, and instead act defensively to protect themselves from vulnerability and ironically, growth.
Being able to acknowledge mistakes, cultivate a safe space for accountability, and even forgive people relies on empathy — something that a 2023 study suggests may grow as you age — so it's not entirely surprising that lacking accountability is one of the things brilliant women can't stand as they get older.
They not only hold themselves to higher standards and expectations, they're tired of taking on the emotional and mental burdens of a relationship with someone living in a constant state of victimhood and defensiveness.
11. Being overlooked in the workplace
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Despite reporting similar productivity metrics and more experience than their younger peers, research shows that many older employees tend to face more discrimination and inequity in the workplace. As they get older, become more expensive to employ, and get niche with their specialization, it's not uncommon for them to experience discriminatory practices in a workplace trying to cut costs or bring in less expensive workers.
Obviously, for brilliant women who have a lot to bring to the table and a lot left to gain from their careers, feeling overlooked and unappreciated is one of the things they can't do as they get older.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
