Therapist Shares 3 Reasons Why You Don't Want Someone To Be Obsessed With You

Rose-colored glasses are great, but love really shouldn’t be all-encompassing.

Therapist smiling while talking on the phone. Ground Picture / Shutterstock.com
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While it sounds great and wonderful to have someone who’s “all about you,” true obsession in a relationship never ends well. Being too invested in someone else or a relationship, in general, isn’t a fairy-tale foundation for healthy love.

@stephanne221 I feel like im about to provoke a side of tiktok i dont normally interact with 😀🤠 and my message remains the same! Obbsession is not love, it is not secure attachment, and it often disregards consent.For my bpd folks, I know the process of attaching to a favorite person is not something you are able to turn off. And i know from my clients that the FP process is brutal — buzzing, cant think about anything else, cant sleep, “too high,” its too much!! Being obsessed with someone sucks.And being the object of someone’s obsession may provide external validation (external validation is totally okay to want) AND being seen as an object hides your authentic Self. If someone is attracted only to the shiniest, most desirable part of you [as defined by MSM], youre missing out on some authentic love at best, and you are being reduced to an object at worst.I challenge you to relinquish trying to control someone’s attraction to you, and instead allow your authentic Self to be present, so when someone does express healthy interest in you, you will know its not because of a performance or a strategy, but because you are genuinely being seen.#relationships #relationship #relationshipadvice #dating #datingtips #datingadvice #marriage #divorce #breakup #datingapps #anxious #anxiety #anxiousattachment #anxiousattachmentstyle #psychology #bpd #mentalhealthawareness #mentalillness #codependency #healing #healingjourney #healingtiktok #selfimprovement #selflove #therapy #therapytiktok #therapytok #fyp #foryou #obsessed #therapist #therapistsontiktok ♬ original sound - Steph the Attachment Therapist

“Obsession is not love,” attachment therapist Steph wrote in a TikTok caption. Adding, “It is not secure attachment, and it often disregards consent …You’re missing out on some authentic love at best, and you are being reduced to an object at worst.”

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Steph shared 3 reasons you don’t want someone to be obsessed with you:

1. People who are obsessed with you will objectify you.

“In order to get someone to be obsessed with you, you end up getting them to see you as an object and not a person,” she explained. “To turn yourself into this desirable object is to abandon yourself.”

There’s no right or wrong when it comes to discussing “obsession” — people like (and even need) to feel wanted with some kind of external validation. It feels good to be passionately pursued as the single focus of someone’s attention and love. However, obsession might cultivate an escape from reality for people struggling with a number of outside issues.

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As Steph explained, “If someone is attracted only to the shiniest, most desirable part of you … you’re being reduced to an object at worst.” Instead of allowing another person’s perception of you to shape how you act, talk, and present yourself, embrace your uniqueness instead.

RELATED: 3 Signs You're Dangerously Obsessed With Your New Relationship

2. Obsession can cause you to abandon your authenticity.

Steph shared, “You’re not letting someone connect to who you are. They will not know you, they will know your strategies to be this perfect desirable object. But, they will not know you.”

Even if you frame obsession the opposite way, people often obsess and create misguided versions of you in their heads as an escape from reality. 

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There’s a good chance this person they are obsessed with is not an accurate representation of the object of their attention. It sets them up for disappointment and can leave you feeling unfulfilled.

In the same way, we hold celebrities we’re in obsessive parasocial relationships with to insurmountable and impossible standards — we hold ourselves to the same.

It’s okay to seek attention and love, but not to the detriment of your own uniqueness and identity.

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3. Your partner doesn’t know the ‘real’ you, so they act on anxiety-driven impulses.

“If someone doesn’t truly know you or know your needs, then they’re connecting to you through a series of anxiety-driven and hypervigilant behaviors. They’re not tuning into what you need, but listening to their own anxiety … as opposed to ‘What does this person need?'"

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Similar to a broken clock that might get the time right twice a day, she explained that relationships that are toxic or misguided might still occasionally do the right thing — or fulfill a need that you have. 

But that’s purely accidental. Steph noted, “If someone meets your needs out of hypervigilant behaviors…cool! But they still don’t know your needs.”

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So, in crafting an identity or trying to adopt a persona to get someone to be “obsessed” with you, you’re not setting yourself up for true love or even like. You’re setting yourself up for failure.

When the inevitable time comes and you’re feeling unfulfilled or realize the person you’ve fallen for has no idea who you truly are, the relationship will deteriorate.

So,right from the start — from the first date, text message, or call — just be authentic. You’ll attract people that not only match your authentic energy, but appreciate you for it.

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RELATED: 5 Ways To Overcome Anxiety In Your New Relationship (So You Don't Ruin A Good Thing Before It Starts)

Zayda Slabbekoorn is a News & Entertainment Writer at YourTango who focuses on health & wellness, social policy, and human interest stories.