If Someone Uses These 10 'Kind' Phrases, It's 99.999% Certain They're Secretly Judging You

We've all met someone who seemed super nice on the surface, but who had a boiling cauldron of entitlement or even anger underneath. How can you tell the difference? They'll use phrases that seem kind or nice on the surface, but turn out to have a very unkind subtext.

There are an endless assortment of these nice-but-not-kind phrases people can use, but the ten below are some of the most common ways people try to sound kind, but just end up being judgmental. Once you know how to watch out for these behaviors, you can avoid falling into a cycle with someone who simply isn't that kind.

If someone uses these 10 'kind' phrases, it's 99.999% certain they're secretly judging you

1. 'This is a fun new phase for you.'

Woman who is often being secretly judged sits proudly in her pink hair Yuricazac | Shutterstock

Growing up, you may have heard family or friends say something was just a phase. On the outside, this might not seem like such a big deal. However, when you're passionate or sure about something, small phrases like this can feel like a punch to the gut.

This becomes even more true when you're an adult. Someone might say you're in your "artist phase," as if your dedication to nurturing your creative side is just a whim. And even if it were a whim or a phase, what's wrong with that? Phases are normal, even in adults! They're just judging you for no reason.

The person saying this really means, "This interest of yours won't last for long because it's both unimportant and ridiculous." A truly happy person would have no need to dismiss what means something to you, which is how you know these fake-nice people are probably feeling insecure themselves.

2. 'Are you OK?'

Woman who is being secretly judged looking tired on a futon FOUR. STOCK | Shutterstock

Often, this seemingly kind question is followed by the less-kind statement, "You look so tired!" Meaning, "I'm judging how bad you look right now."

People with dark circles under their eyes have likely heard this one too many times. And though it might seem genuine at first, commenting negatively on someone's appearance is just not okay, especially if it's intended to be backhanded. Not only is it rude, but it's unhelpful.

According to one study that looked at appearance-related comments, negative comments from participants led to eating disturbances and high body dissatisfaction. So, the next time someone says this phrase, don't be afraid to call them out. 'Small comments' like these can have a bigger impact than you'd think.

Or, if you want to be a little sneaky in reply, try asking, "What do you mean?" as sweetly as you can. Then they have to explain what they meant, hopefully learning a little lesson about tact along the way.

3. 'Cute outfit. I could never wear that.'

Woman who is often secretly judged dances proudly in a small town Diana Indiana | Shutterstock

How many times have you heard someone tell you, "Oh, I could never wear that!" about something you're waring? Phrases like this can easily make someone feel poorly about themselves compared to a simple compliment like, "I like your outfit" or "that looks so good on you."

Another study on appearance-related commentary determined that there were correlations "between both frequency and effect dimensions of commentary and measures of body image disturbance and self-esteem." This means that people's comments can negatively impact how someone views themselves.

In essence, science has validated what we learned (or should've learned) in kindergarten: when we're unkind to people, it can hurt them. Even when the way we're being unkind is by pretending to be nice.

4. 'I'm always amazed at how much you can eat.'

Man being secretly judged for eating a burger at a picnic Ground Picture | Shutterstock

Let's say you're at a family barbecue when you go to grab another plate of food. But before you can, you hear someone say, "I really admire how much you can eat" or something similar. Yes, they're saying they admire you, but unless the two of you are in a contest to see who can put on bulk the fastest, it likely isn't kind.

This goes along with the old chestnut, "Are you really going to eat all that?" If you've ever heard this phrase before, you understand how infuriating it is. But commenting on someone's eating patterns to shame them is much worse than just being judgmental.

According to licensed therapist Meredith Nisbet, "Body comments and diet talk can mirror the disordered or negative thoughts we have about ourselves, and can provide a sense of confirmation that others are watching or judging our bodies or food choices."

This is dangerous for people who already struggle with body image issues, as it can make them feel a lot worse about themselves and possibly worsen their disordered eating. For the rest of us, it's simply rude and unkind and most people already know that.

5. 'If you like it, I love it.'

Woman who is being secretly judged talking with a friend on a couch Josep Suria | Shutterstock

"If you like it, I love it" is a judgmental comment, even though it at first may seem like a compliment or simple, nice phrase. In reality, it's likely the person saying it hates the choices you've made.

Perhaps the person saying it didn't want to come off as rude or unreasonable, but it has the opposite effect. And, arguably, it can make the situation worse.

The next time you hear someone utter this phrase, ask them what they mean by it. Clarification and clear communication are key to helping avoid misunderstandings and confusion.

6. 'No offense but...'

Man talking to a woman who is secretly judging him Branislav Nenin | Shutterstock

After uttering these the three words, "No offense, but," most people say something very offensive. Sometimes this is thinly veiled, but there's almost no hope that the next thing will be kind.

Saying "no offense" doesn't make what you say not offensive. They aren't magic words.

When someone says this to you, tell them the truth. Tell them that you find their comment to be judgmental and rude. Tell them how unhelpful and hurtful it is, so they avoid saying something this distasteful again.

If they choose to continue being hurtful, it's OK to set boundaries with them. They've proven they cannot be direct or consistently kind, and you don't need to waste time on that.

7. 'I just like joking with you"

Man judging a woman for being upset when he was being unkind DimaBerlin | Shutterstock

Most people know how to take a joke and enjoy having a good laugh. But some things just aren't funny, especially if the intent behind the comment was to make that person feel badly about themselves. If you've had someone say, "I was just joking!" after saying something rude or unkind, you know what I mean.

It's even worse when these manipulative people want you to feel bad for not "getting" their joke despite it not being a joke at all. This is classic DARVO, and a sign that it's time to start trusting them less.

The truth is that the person saying phrses like these is using them as a defense mechanism to avoid blame. So if you ever experience someone telling you this, let them know what you think. Nine times out of 10, the person knows their "joke" wasn't funny.

8. 'Bless your heart'

woman saving judgement and comforting friend Daniel Hoz / Shutterstock

Anyone who lives in the South knows that "Bless your heart" seems kind, but is actually extremely judgmental. According to Southern culture expert Landon Bryant, it really means a few things, including, "You're an idiot" or "You don't know what you're doing," among other variations.

This phrase is really just an insult disguised as a caring comment. If someone ever says this to you, know that although they may be expressing sympathy, they are likely just being condescending. Knowing the difference usually starts by reading their eyes.

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9. 'I admire your all-natural look'

Young woman looks seriously at the couch in a wingback chair GaudiLab | Shutterstock

Much like, "I could never wear that!", "I love your all-natural look" or "I love how relaxed you look!" are phrases designed to seem kind but reek of judgment. Sorry to be blunt, but they're saying you look sloppy or unpolished.

Now, if you're comfortable with how you look, you might just decide to take it as a compliment, even if they didn't really mean it to be one. If you're a Type B person, it probably doesn't matter what they meant. You don't like makeup or you wore your sweats all day. The glory of the Type B person is that they do not mind one bit if others judge them for something this silly.

But if you were trying to look sharp and someone said it, of course it would hurt. Nobody wants to be judged, and certainly nobody wants to be slandered to their own face.

Once again, you could try asking them to clarify by asking, "What do you mean?" It's always possible they really meant the compliment to be kind. If not, they'll be stuck having to explain their passive-aggressive behavior.

10. 'You're so cute.'

Woman who uses kind phrases even though he's judging looking sneaky HBRH | Shutterstock

Yes, it's kind to tell someone they're cute, but there's a particular way some people say it that has a twinge of secret judgement. It seems like a compliment, and they may even mean it that way, but it's patronizing (at best).

At worst, it's a way of saying that you're trying hard to be cool (or skilled, or talented, or attractive, etc) and failing. Maybe you wore your best work clothes to an event, but everyone else was in designer clothing. They might look down their noses and say, "You're so cute."

Much like "bless your heart" this is not actually intended as a compliment, no matter how it seems. It's most often designed to destabilize someone's confidence, twisting something kind into something judgmental so the person never really knows how others see them.

Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.